Ashes of Time

Happy Monday!

2012-02-13T11:06:00.001+08:00

Went to study at yudian's house yesterday and end up watching Sherlock Holmes. Lol.

Few things decided

1. I'm not gonna look for an internship. I will intern at my own company. And get the business started

2. Study at least 3 hrs a day

3. Finish at least 1 bk per week

4. Lose 3 kg this wk

Happy Monday:)

Rise and Shine

2012-02-11T10:34:00.003+08:00

the key to happiness is dun let any crazy ass bitch spoil your day! especially on this beautiful sat morning! time to work!

yup! so im up and alive again! time to earn some bucks! and also, stick to all the plans i made for myself. it's important that i don't let myself down.

glad that my boy problem era is finally over! time to dote on myself! :)

im in a super good mood today!!!!!

last night's big bang is majorly fun! and grey's anatomy is still up to standard. i understand love better than so many people on the world. so that's what im gonna do! :)

anw lesson learnt: you have got to protect yourself abt your secrets. some friends are great at sorting out things for you, but some just use this to attack you in the future. don't let your guard down too easily just because you 'think' that person can be trusted, or is mature enough not to make a big deal out of it. HELL NO!

There is nothing I can‘t deal with

2012-02-11T01:19:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, life seems to be shattering around me... Just falling apart like that. I tried to hold it together, but things just kept happening.

Nvm, has to stick to this tough ass bitch image. Use a super glue to stitch myself up, rise and shine tmr!

recent movies update

2012-02-09T22:15:00.004+08:00

1. rewatched balck swan, brilliant movie, but the first time is more thrilling

2. break up. this does make me very annoyed. watching people torture each other really got on my nerves. but it is an interesting movie

3. single man. LOVE IT! great acting, great directing! love the music and editing! very wong karwai.

4. Friends with benefits. watched this over and over again... first time was few months ago. second time was few wks ago, had a break down after watching it. LOVE the girl's character. i don't believe friends with benefits shit. but i love how tough and straight forward the girl is.

Laughed so hard

2012-02-08T17:30:00.001+08:00

昨天虽然累到要死，躺在床上还是睡不着。听歌听到终于逼出眼泪。然后无声得哭到崩溃。哭完后精神大好。今天一觉睡到天亮。睡得酣畅淋漓。

I just needed to get something out of my system. Nothing is big deal. Just cry your lungs out the night before then rise and shine on the next. That's how tough woman is made ;)

But I have to memorize something I learnt in paris

1. Don't ever be dependent on others. Depend on no one but yourself
2. 细节和质量 does matter a lot
3. 不要想着怎么省钱，想着怎么挣钱
4. 自信
5. Live with class

11.14
okay, after typing finish the previous entry, i stepped off the bus and tried to jaywalk to across the street. it was no big deal, cos cars have alr stopped for red light, i just lazy to walk to the zebra crossing. but i didn't even see there was motorcycle coming, so the moment i step off onto the street, it dashed right into me... luckily he was already slowing down and he hit the brake in time. and luckily i was wearing the quite high slipper, so the front wheel was kinda stopped by my thick sole slipper, so my toe is only bruise...

then i realized how horrible it could have gone.

anw i had a really good laugh with weiling in school today. she is the only one that can make me laugh as hard as the way i made others laugh. have not laughed so hard after i came back

im that kind of girl

2012-02-08T00:04:00.000+08:00

watched black swan again.

had a very tired day.

presentation went well, although content could be improved.

sad though. due to many many unknown reasons. i guessed apart from missing paris life, i also wished something to happen here, but it just didn't. anw, im not ready yet.

真想大哭一場啊！平常太忙。靜下來又擠不出眼淚。

im standing in my own way. always

總有天找到一個，真的值得我。。。

Yoyoyo

2012-02-06T15:46:00.001+08:00

Met a extremely hot guy at cafe today!!! He is mr perfect for me!!! And he definitely knows I was talking abt him. I wasnt hide either. He is macho with deep blue eyes. Omg! I'm drooling all over alr. Jiayou jianfei and he will be mine :)

Apart from the epic handsomeness in school. I actually managed to get many things done today. The bad part is I was too busy working. That's why only had rice dumpling in the morning and only be able to eat again at 8pm. With yudian at bp plaza. Went through our photos. Now I officially regret the time wasted on someone instead of traveling.

Sighs. Better stay away from this dangerous topic. Anw. I had a productive day. More and more to come.

Also, I wanna travel during term break. But haven't lose weight yet.... How!?

这么远

2012-02-05T23:29:00.003+08:00

如果什么事情都提不起心来要做，那是什么样子的心情。巴黎下雪了，我却呆在新加坡。于是，我就隔着那么远的距离，幻想那边的景色，那边的人，那边的他今天有没有和朋友出去。如果我在巴黎，我想干什么呢？想和pawa一起暴走巴黎街头，穿我那双shitty colour的平底鞋，和我那件和bestie一样的惊人的羽绒服。可能会太冷，可能会冷到什么心情都没有，但也会很开心。然后一起杀去吃水煮牛肉。反正辣的就行。

今天，怎么说呢？哎。就这样子吧。你要让我百分百像个正常人还真不可能。让我慢慢好吧。慢慢恢复。晚上好不容易一个人在家，把过年开的那瓶红酒喝了，都放太久了，所以只能冲着可乐喝。一下子就醉了。然后就在那里一动不动的躺了好久，连借酒装疯的能力都没有。

我是在想很多事，也在想很多人。

今天闲暇又翻了以前的post，我实在hit bottom后，几乎就那么一天就大翻身，然后开始前所未有的体验。现在我又hit bottom了，不过这次给我一个可以爱的人好不好？我一定会一样努力的去爱。甚至更努力的去爱

paris, let it snow, let it flow

2012-02-05T16:46:00.002+08:00

巴黎下雪了，是真的下很多到整个世界都白了的那种。所以，巴黎的最后一个愿望正式落空。本来以为巴黎可能今年不下雪，所以也就不存在这个落空的愿望了。但是。最后。还是华丽丽的擦肩而过了。就好像我的其他愿望一样。

1. sunrise in Montmartre
2. pyjama sleepover party
3. my new year kiss
4. snowy christmas

不过这说明以后有更多可以期盼的。

this is before

this is after

it was snowing the other night as well. we were ice-skating on the eiffel tower. i miss that day. so so much

A little break

2012-02-04T19:54:00.001+08:00

確實，我放下了。確實，我忙得連睡覺的時間都沒有了。確實，已經沒甚麼可以再冥想的了，也沒有甚麼值得留戀。

但祇要我閑下來，祇要我呼吸深一點，我就能感覺到我的痛。

I'm no longer a mess. I refuse to be. But my pain is all over me.

Sad face :(

Grace and class

2012-02-04T01:36:00.001+08:00

天涯出现了掰直帖。made me think of something in the past. Just watched a movie called single man. Loved it. Everything happened for a reason, including this one. It totally unwind my tiresome mind. Yes. Friends are keeping me company lately to help me get thru this low tide. Things are looking great. I should give myself some cheers. But life is still difficult. Who said it is not to begin with? So deal with it with grace and class. I'm great:)

心理逆生长

2012-02-03T01:10:00.003+08:00

回来后就没认真学习过。而且各种文思枯竭。翻回以前的blog，才发现最成熟的自己是在10年。我说3年之内要成功。现在却仍未起步。

被一段无谓的感情浪费了3个月的注意力。现在更应该抓紧时间找回自我，然后重回正轨。我再也不能cancel任何一个tuition了。不够时间就不睡觉。反正我也不需要睡眠。

不过作为女人，早点睡吧，宁愿早点起都好。

EVERYDAY IM SHUFFLING

2012-02-02T10:51:00.001+08:00

had a rather good night sleep although it is only for abt 5 hrs. at least i was able to dream, sadly, it is a nightmare. but still, i finally felt as if i have been sleeping after waking up. but i am damn tired. from all the lack-of-sleep and emotional heaviness.

but well, things are on the right track. and also, i have to focus on the tangible things in life. in fact, i felt so much lighter after i wrote finish the damn long thing. and thanks to all the friends that cared, kept on asking me to let go and move on. yup, i am and i will continue to do that.

one presentation nx wk, another report on game theory due, and have to study for a test, and also, have to finish a interview report for my UE. hectic. and i still have to juggle with 4 tuitions.

yea. super power woman has no time to think abt emotional crap. just bring it on!

EVERYDAY IM SHUFFLING~

a day of awesomeness

2012-02-01T10:10:00.001+08:00

im in an awesome mood today! not only i felt so much lighter, both physically and mentally, but i also woke up at the time planned. though sleeping quality is yet to be improved. but well, im on the right track. glad i wasted like 3 days of my time on the super huge long essay, cos when every detail is out in black and white, there are less rooms for my repeated random thoughts. things sort of fall into perspective. nice :) i feel awesome

continue on my diet. and start on the paper that i have to submit tmr. i am going to rock it ;D

and according to horoscope. taurus is gonna start 10 years of 旺桃花, and also on the top chart of career and 财运。 of course, i have to perfect myself first.

somehow i was writing the damn long essay, then suddenly i realized how desperately pathetic i was. i was never this kind of clingy nor whiny before. yew. and ok, back to my normal self. the heartless bubbly hardcore renjie who does not need romance nor sleep.

i need to rock. big time!

信

2012-01-31T19:58:00.003+08:00

這是對自己的一封信

在失眠了近三個星期後，我決定不再讓這一切繼續，其實我在巴黎就決定不再讓這一切繼續，在我發覺自己開始喜歡你的一剎那就很堅強的說要忘記，要克制。所以，從某種角度來講，我從來沒有放任的讓自己去想過你，以致到現在還不清楚到底我對你的感情是什麼樣的？不過有一件事能夠肯定，就算那不是愛情，也極似愛情。沒有友情能給我那麼大的傷痛，下半句其實應該講沒有友情能給我帶來那麼大的快樂，但這並沒有發生。寫這封信的念頭是在我第n個失眠的晚上想到的，如果我不從頭到尾把這件事理清的話，可能在一個月後，我還會不眠不休的想著以前曾經發生的事情，想著很多的可能與不可能，所以我需要給自己一個交代。我曾經重複過多次over了over了，其實那時候我也真的是這樣想的，但過不了幾天，你又對我好了，然後我又把自己忘了，又重新像神婆一樣念念叨叨的想著你的好，這樣下去，我會累死。其實回新加坡以後，我幾乎什麼都沒感覺到，除了累，心的累。從來不走煽情那個路線，我只需要真實，其實真實的現實也是各種悲催。

相遇

我和你遇到是在introduction to political economy 的class. 在之前我大費周章之後，學校依然沒辦法給我加chinese economy, 然後我在沒有選擇的情況下加了這門課，然後對politics一點都沒基礎的狀態下抱著必死的決心去上了那堂課，已經miss了第一節課，老師專門點名叫“雞”下課後去見他，好給我專門輔導。當時在班上沒認識的人，我只有憋到內傷，他們叫我雞。聽了一節課的天書，什麼Marxism什麼亂七八糟的zm到處飛舞，那個老師的口音我到現在還沒有搞清楚您老是印度人還是中東人，而且名字裡面有個ivan是要怎樣。反正下課的時候，除了我和一個外國女生，就是你在那裡。你說you have stuck in new york because of the hurricane and the plane is delayed。我聽著然後想'哇，這種爛理由也想得出來。真不要臉’。你穿著福爾摩斯的風衣，我們變熟之後我才知道那是burberry的，好吧，算我有眼不識泰山。第一印象：一副奸詐的嘴臉。小娘。走路步子邁太大。你說是我先勾搭你的。應該是這樣的。我還不要臉的講了一句“so can you speak chinese?” 我記得你講說你是UOT, 我當時想“恩，加拿大，恩，哥哥住過那裡。” 第一份好感應該是從那裡開始的。然後我說“i study in singapore, from ntu.” 你說：i know that university，我瞬間覺得你是“好假的一個人”，但沒想到你居然真的知道。當時好像我們兩個都沒有地方去，然後就在學校的foyer呆著。 before that, 我帶著你在學校繞了一圈，因為都找不到位置，不過你居然就跟傻子一樣，也不complain。然後我電腦連不上sp的網，你幫我弄好了，然後還教我怎麼弄。之後，我們在學校的花園，你說要找房子，之後你說你也很吃驚，為什麼會講出“你要做什麼，我陪你”這句話。這可能真的是緣分，我雖然最先開始沒覺得你怎樣，不過那時候你真的也不怎樣，但就感覺想和你呆在一起。你說你也這樣子覺得的。你在我旁邊找房子，然後馬上就打給對方。這對於一個像我這麼懶的人我可以說瞬間就對你好感爆棚。我什麼事情都拖，所以最羨慕行動力迅速的人。然後你馬上約好就準備和人看房子了，在notre dame附近，我瞬間想跟你說不如我陪你一起去吧。最後還是沒有說出口，才見面不到半小時就要和人去看房子的人是多恐怖啊。於是我們就say goodbye了。不過我這個人就是典型的熱情過度。我相信自己在那一個小時裡已經把我所知道的巴黎的一切都給你講了。然後還陪你去買了去munich的車票。你說不如我們約著什麼時候去逛champs elysees。我當然果斷答應。反正我在巴黎也無聊到要死。

Champs-Élysées

接著的星期五還是星期六我們就見面了。雖然我對你沒其他的感覺，但以我一和男人出門就大費周章的性格，我還是花了一點功夫的。當時的感覺是擺脫賠錢貨真好。約在Saint-Germain-des-Prés 的地鐵站樓上見，我從家裡走來的，遲到了很久，你一直催我。不知道為什麼，我還記得你斜坐在圓柱上等我的表情。其實也不帥，不過我還真的記得。其實巴黎的每一個小細節我都記得。我們四個的任何一個小細節我都記得。然後我們就走在saint germain blvd上面，周圍的店我每天上課都經過，不過覺得和自己沒什麼關係。當時我還沒發現你是富二代的事實，只是默默的陪你從一家店到另一家店。然後你幾次叫我小聲一點，說老實話，我當時是有點不爽的。我記得你不喜歡袖子上有補丁的，我當時也覺得你的法文非常好，不過後來和傲龍熟後，我就再也沒提過這句話。你買了tod's的錢包，我再一次被你的決策力嚇到。其實那個錢包看久了，也真的還好。哈哈。之後我們上了香街，一路上你一直感嘆哇哇哇的，說好難想像自己真的在巴黎的香街。我就跟你說我真的很淡定，幾乎沒什麼感覺。你講了你怎麼一個人極力爭取簽證的人，我又再次對你表示崇拜。我自己講了什麼我已經不太記得了。中午你選了一個餐廳吃飯，還堅持要請我，當然本小姐從不喜歡讓不熟的男人請吃飯，所以堅持要自己付，不過最後還是你給了。我點了個salmon salad，哎，想當年，我還是積極的想要達到理想的身材。你點了一個好像很無聊的東西。現在看那天的照片，仍然驚嘆於你的醜。哈哈。和現在比起來，你當時簡直就是整容前和整容後的差別。後來的事情我已經記不清了，反正晚上我硬是要請你吃宵夜，然後自己在旁邊看你吃。悲催的我。你一直說foie gras好難吃。然後那個嘴臉。。。

Munich

臨走那天晚上你給我打電話之前我完全忘了你也要去這件事。所以你打給我的時候，我非常高興雀躍能夠擺脫xxx。本來想介紹她給你認識的，幸好最後她去取錢，要不然我就悲催了。在老地方見到了你，你穿著polo tee，和我一樣拿著suitcase，因為已經晚了，所以你走的跟跑的一樣，害的我走的都想死了。到了bus旁邊，人山人海的，我一直想找到那誰，但你給我說那種bitch就算了吧，於是好吧，這樣我們就認識了fiona。 f在日後跟我說看我們倆當時熟的程度，她以為我們已經在一起，就算現在不是，以後都會在一起的，哎，當時我聽到這話的時候，各種五味雜成。反正那晚fiona就坐我們後面。我對她的感覺就是典型的中國女生，漂漂亮亮的，但也覺得她一直要執意和你聊天這件事顯得無奈，在車上有beer，我坐裡面，你坐外面，fiona後來換位置做到我們後面，隔壁是emily和minjung，最後我們幾個人就決定住在一間房裡面。一個男人被那麼多女人圍住的感覺我到現在還忘了問你。那天晚上你給我講了很多你家的事，你說你高二無論如何都要出國，你說你父母感情沒有很好，當晚我和你還沒有到之後那麼熟，我是靠著窗睡的。起來的時候你粘的雙眼皮已經不成人樣，各種邋遢，我當時就跟自己講，這人男人，還是算了吧。不過我在看到鏡子裡面的自己後就打消了這個念頭。哈哈。

之後在munich的日子，最讓人感動的就是行李的那件事情。當時我就覺得你是真的好，而不是只是打馬虎眼而已。還有我在tent外面被保安隔在外面，你們在裡面等我的事，我們被emily煩然後你說只要你走我就跟著你走的事。還有，雖然我們沒有很熟，不過那晚我把我從來沒有和別人講過的事都跟你講了。

從munich回來之後，其實我對黎巴嫩的好感猛增，其實只是因為我們在一路上一直提他, 我這人只要誰念我就會喜歡誰。不過那隻是個crush，我還在blog裡面光明正大的說過我失戀了。我這個人真的非常drama。

first home party

其實真到你搬了家，邀請我來玩的時候我還真的受寵若驚，同時覺得不得不請些其他人，要不然我們倆個在你家，於是我叫上了f，也終於把我們一直在聊的aolong叫來了。在bir hakeim那個地鐵站裡（那個地鐵站以後就承載著太多的記憶了），如果我沒記錯的話，你穿的是皮衣。確實有眼前一亮的感覺。那天晚上是我巴黎的第一個高潮，我們真的好開心的一直在玩。而且4個人加起來真的是威力無窮。照片記載，我們一堆人，3瓶酒，無數junk food，我當時是打著要套你dirty secrets的名號來的，卻發現你居然酒都不敢喝。我看人從來很準，我一直覺得你有天大的事情瞞著我。當時我還是沒有擺脫你這人不簡單的感覺，難聽點講就覺得你其實滿奸詐，哈哈。我其實早就猜你是麻花，從我們在課上見到的一剎那起。不過在munich的時候我打消了這個念頭。然後當你說把傲龍叫上的時候，我幾乎已經100%確定了。也曾經在我們三個一起在萬里香吃飯的時候，你的錢包裡面突然掉出一個套套，我才突然驚覺你不是要我一樣，只是嘴巴里使壞，你是真的壞，哈哈。當時確實不淡定了一下。

你麻花了

那天在第三次翻出我們的skype聊天記錄，以前沒覺得什麼，但我們疏遠後，我才發現最先開始你是有多麼愛找我聊天，你說我是你的soulmate，你要我做你的閨蜜，你二話不說的要和我一起去bordeaux。可能當時我們認識不到十天。然後你跟我CG了。作為你人生第一個CG的對象，如果我沒有自己複雜的感情，我會為自己感到好驕傲好驕傲。現在想起來，如果我們的友誼能夠停留在那段時間，不用到後來的我的意義上的熟，做到你的意義上的熟，其實就夠了。我還會成為你心目中能可最close的女生。

你跟我CG，對我來說代表什麼？代表我畢生最大的心願找到屬於自己的麻花摯友的願望終於實現了。於是我雀躍了。金牛座，怎麼說呢?一旦纏上身就擺脫不掉了。我警告過你的。然後我的大腦裡開始隨時隨地都想著你。你給我分享你所有的hot date的經歷，你好像每晚都有date，也好樂意和我分享。但我真正開始care了之後，我就發現你是多麼的愛出現就出現，愛消失就消失。但我當時還不會那麼失落。因為我知道你忙，有很多事情需要做。不過從聊天記錄顯示，我已經變得demanding，不過你確實也願意陪我聊天，不過我們都聊你，你愛吃sushi這件事就是那時候你給我講的。

Eiffel picnic

CG後的第一次見面，我們倆個眼神裡都有說不完的東西。那天晚上也是你第一次那麼敢放手做自己。你笑得在風中搖曳，現在回想起來，我確實需要大言不慚的講一句，我確實給你的人生帶來了很多寬容和解放。那天晚上，是我整個巴黎之行最開心的一個晚上，沒有之一，只是純粹的開心。因為我有了屬於自己的閨蜜，因為我還有那麼好的傲龍和f，如果巴黎沒有pawa，我想我們誰的人生都會沉悶很多。或許花生不會和賈傑在一起，f可能就從了學長，你還是在keep on dating, 還覺得網上交友是找尋真愛的唯一出路，而我，也不會換來那麼多心痛和委屈，那麼多的隱忍。雖然我已經無力再去折騰自己，但我還是相信，年輕就是要折騰。其實最先開始給aolong講這句話的時候我是真心的相信，但現在，我已經畏畏縮縮的蜷縮在我的殼裡，什麼都經受不住了。讓我恢復一下，我還是可以再為下一段感情赴湯蹈火的。

我記得那天晚上f買的macaroon，傲龍買的salmon，還有你家的咖哩雞。照片記錄我們擺了好多白痴的pose，我作為一個十分厭惡拍照的人那天晚上也拍了好多好多照片。花生是奇葩，這是不爭的事實。其實當初我那麼想把他介紹給你，就是希望你學學他的人生態度，要敢於做自己。我的mother teresa，可能就是你讓我做你閨蜜的那一天開始的。那晚也是我們的physical contact 開始變多的時候，我確實很享受和你靠很近的感覺，我，一個金牛座的人，其實才是最touchy feely的，我是多麼愛被別人攬著，頭搭在身邊人的肩膀上。但當時我怎麼知道這樣做便會愛上一個人？我怎麼知道我其實那麼容易愛人。即便你彎，你也有很man的一面，也或許是你追求完美的表面。其實後來我才明白原來我不用那麼努力的尋找自己愛上你的原因，因為無論是什麼原因，我已經愛上了，後果只有這一個。我無數次遐想/瞎想，如果你不麻花，哪怕你是個雙麻，我們在一起的chemistry會有多麼的好。但我也同時明白自己一旦過了頭幾個月的暈頭轉向階段，就會馬上討厭你。因為你離我喜歡的那類人實在差太遠了。不過我又怎麼知道你在愛情中會是怎樣的人？充其量我不過接受過你最頂級的好友待遇。這是多麼讓人覺得可悲的事情。甚至如果讓我再絕對一點，我寧願不是你的朋友，這樣我就可以不用顧忌到後來我覺得想起來便可悲的友情。我甚至害怕我的噓寒問暖會給你帶來壓力。因為我知道你是多nice的一個人，這些無謂的多餘的感情都只是莫名的負擔而已。

（就在我寫這個的同時，你居然打電話來了，打的我新加坡的手機，我媽幫我接的，因為我在客廳裡面一個人寫著這篇給你的信，雖然永遠都不會給你看。你說猜我是誰，那一剎那，雖然我知道我認識這把聲音，但我卻沒有在那0.1秒鐘反應出來你是誰。這次我們聊了37分鐘，你把我建立起來的圍牆再一次粉碎。每次都這樣，我總是在見到你或者聽到你的聲音之後發覺其實我沒有那麼喜歡你，然後覺得你真的是我的好朋友，我真的願意當你的好朋友，然後我又奮不顧身的披著友情的毯子再次掏出自己的心衝進火災現場. 或許換個角度也能說的通，i am actually not that into you, it's just in my brain. anyway今天你給我看了你的dior羽絨服，和我雜牌的一模一樣，根本沒差，然後你給我看了一套你很收身的西服。後來的fb msg中，你說'people only miss someone if they lost them'. so, do you really miss me?）Eiffel那天是我們最瘋狂，也是最開心的，i wish i could go back time.

Bordeaux

在去的路上，你給我坦白了你的情史，當時好像你很受落，感覺如釋重負和我分享你的感情史，是那天吧，你看清楚了你自己分手是因為你太不成熟，很多事不懂得珍惜，很多事太容易放手。 bordeaux本身我並沒有什麼感覺。只是後來在你的手機裡面看到我的背影，還是小感動了一下，其實我想你可能只是在試這個相機的新功能吧。不過你有一直提醒我要認真聽那個男的講那些酒，也幫我說bitch的壞話，u know the way you stick up to me 也讓我感動了一把。我還有一個不可忽視的功勞就是我矯正了你拍照的角度，回巴黎之後你徹底變帥，我的功勞99%。bordeaux是我們第一次在同一張床上睡覺，你還叫我蓋好，還叫我一定要踢你如果你半夜爬過來的話。這種話我只聽過一次，有時候想想，其實我在你人生中扮演的角色不過是讓你更加確定你是麻花的這個身份。其實這個也是狠狠傷到我的一個原因。在bordeaux吃早飯時，我教育了你關於一頓早飯要吃15歐是多麼不要臉的事情，你事後和我說從此以後你也開始節約了。哈哈。在吃早飯的同時，我發現我愛上了你的手指（這是事後看照片是下的結論）

染頭髮

在被你吵著鬧著還有我自願加入中，我決定要幫你染頭髮的。本來我是要下午過來，結果你和muji大鬧了一場，還要你把他的手鍊給找到。當然我本來很嚮往的一件事就落空了。突然發現其實我對你從來就不只朋友這麼簡單，或許我自己也不知道友情與愛情的分界線在哪裡。我其實對女孩子也這樣子過，會很興奮，很開心想要和她們一起出去玩之類的，可能正是因為你是男的，所以這個就往另一個方向發展了。反正我的每一種感情都很intense。也不知道是福是禍。不過晚上我依然還是來了你家。而且還準備在你家過夜。其實我完全沒幫別人染過頭，你又要highlight又要幹什麼的，不過我也從來沒怕過，反正染壞了又不是我的頭髮。哈哈。不過我對自己的藝術造詣非常有信心。出來效果你說不好。煩死我了。那天晚上我才叫睡的不好。整個拘謹到要死。你動一下我就醒。然後你一直卷被子，我又不敢吵到你，所以就冷死到睡不著覺。

第二天早上起床，我記得你很sweet的問了一句睡得好嗎。然後我本來想劈頭蓋臉的罵死你最後也就算了，只是小抱怨了兩句。早飯你叫我吃這吃那，其實我還有一個對你的小迷戀，就是你吃東西的專注神情，好像小動物在啃東西一樣，總是一吃就忘了世界。同樣是吃貨，憑什麼我就那麼肥？你好像把你家裡面什麼可以吃的都問遍了，偏偏我這個人對吃也是非常彆扭，而且好像也是午飯時間了，你就說請客去樓下吃韓國料理，我在0.01秒答應了，你問我“你居然連假裝客氣都不會？”其實我這個人對不熟的人才特別計較，什麼東西都要自己掏錢，一旦成為密友之後，什麼東西都你買單，我沒問題。哈哈。我真不要臉！當然，只要你在室外，就是你看hottie的時候。這習慣和傲龍一樣，所以每次我們三人或四人行的時候，我有時候真的會被你們煩死，我本來以為自己已經夠膚淺的了，結果你們兩個完胜我。不過這件事情的後遺症就是我終於開始注意男人了，因為我以前只會偶爾看特別帥的。我吃的泡菜湯，你好像吃的鐵板什麼，你說就餐環境好blah blah blah，麻花們都是小資貨。然後晚上是海鮮局，也是一個轉捩點

海鮮局

szy組織的，是你第一次認識szy，mm，阿嬌還有阿a，阿嬌明顯對你很感興趣。飯桌的安排是這樣的，最裡面是阿嬌和mm坐對台，你和szy坐中間，我和f坐外面，我坐在你的斜對面。你旁邊是mm和f。如果沒有這一夜，我可能也料不到自己對你的感情已經逐漸出界。我也想不到原來金牛座的佔有欲強絕對是真的這件事。飯桌上，你和大家閒聊，不外乎是在聊加拿大怎樣怎樣，日本這樣這樣，聽得我想死。心想當時如果你也在我們剛認識時這樣，我也不會成你的朋友。如果aolong在那裡，或許我也不會把注意力都放在你身上。反正到後來，我眼裡就只看到你和momo一直講話，然後我以一個女生的直覺，覺得此女對你有意思。不過我真心的要再次給mm賠禮道歉。反正當時最惹到我的一句話就是“沒關係我幫你剝”“你人好好哦”。其實我也不是真的生氣，只是有點不爽。我和f一直在默默調侃你們，一切很casual。不過吃完飯後，大家在麥當勞想著續攤的事，我抓住你去買你要的超級blonde的顏色。然後我就發作了，其實如果你認識我久一點，就知道我不是真的bitchy，只是裝瘋而已。但是我很喜歡纏著你繞著你的感覺，畢竟你的身高可以給我很多安全感。我還買了一個mineral的陰影粉，哎，之後每次都被死小花生笑。我還有一件不爽的是在大家都在拼nail polish的晚上，我的那個你和aolong選的brown真的是弱爆了，吃海鮮都吃的不爽。反正一路上我對你各種言語攻擊，然後你還抱著我說，她算個屁啊，你才是我最好的bestie。就是這些小細節，讓我每次回想的時候都覺得甜蜜。我傻到爆，我知道。距你後來分析，我在地鐵上還在mm面前故意搭著你的肩，雖然我沒有意識到，但我想可能我潛意識裡真的是故意的，任潔的bestie沒人可以搶。哈哈。當晚我再次答應回你家幫你染你的damn hair，其實你有感覺到我對你的好嗎？我第二天一大早10點還有火車去玩，所以我一大早要6點過就起床，然後回我家，然後pack然後洗澡然後出發。其實我很享受給你染頭髮的感覺，感覺電流在空氣中微微的顫動。應該不是我單方面的，或許你只是尷尬，沒有眼神接觸，反正我很愛端詳你的頭髮。我開玩笑的問你：'我不會是愛上你了吧？ ’ 你說‘那你不是很悲催？ ' 其實這句話應該可以概括我們的感情。一直以來，我在悲催，你在minimize我的悲催。

那天晚上，躺在你的床上，已經沒有第一天晚上那麼拘謹，你從後面抱住我，問我：有沒有感覺？我想都不想的說：還好。於是你很drama的哼了一聲，轉過身去，我又很犯賤的轉過身來說'哎喲，幹嘛，生氣啦'。於是我就挽著你的手睡著了。其實雖然我有很多機會可以直視你的六塊腹肌，但都避開了，我真是一個乖小孩，不過你的小翹臀我表示認可。早上我六點就必須要離開，你一點都沒醒過來送我，離開的時候突然覺得有點心酸，好像被人拋棄了一樣。現在反正在說這方面的問題，我突然想到當我們剛建立閨蜜關係的時候，你問過我直女和麻花就只能幫each other什麼吧？還問過我好多次我的第一次是不是一定要是我的男朋友。現在我知道其實你只是又好奇心發作，但是我一度也糾結過這些問題背後的含義，哎，典型的想太多。結果那天早上我悲催的去錯了station，miss了train，你跟我講welcome to paris，我一下什麼怨念都沒了。下午我們又越好去買haloween costume，因為第二天就是sp的haloween party了。你叫我買女僕裝，seriously, how dirty can u get?

Halloween

巴黎那麼刺激是在於事情都接著一件一件的發生，你們都來我家化妝，aolong再次發揮他的奇葩功能，要說巴黎照片恐怖程度，haloween絕對榮登榜首。 bb霜他應該抹了十層。前面的準備工作可能比真正的party好玩的多。那晚雖然沒喝酒，不過我也輪流和你還有aolong熱舞了一陣子，其實我很想像電視上那樣真正的熱舞，不過缺乏酒精，做不到。後來我們就步行回我家，我記得死aolong在notre dame嚇死我了，你有幫我罵他兩句，不過一點都沒誠意。之後aolong睡地上，f睡那誰的床，然後我睡你旁邊，你一晚上snore吵死了，你說你累了就會這樣。

yudian來了

早上九點過我就下去接yudian，f一大早去了意大利，你和aolong在家裡睡覺，房間裡面亂的像被大象強姦過，見到yudian很開心，終於有個farmiliar face出現，畢竟是老朋友。回來之後你已經走了，aolong還在嬌羞的睡，過後我陪yudian逛louvre，應該聊的都是我們4個人，我當時也不清楚是不是喜歡你，只是不含感情色彩的把我們的gang的故事講給他聽。那天累到超級想死。我喝咖啡的時候都差點睡著了。第二天，我們約好一起去凡爾賽，本來aolong要來的朋友沒有來，就變成為我們五個人。不知道為什麼，你那天的裝束真的像賣保險的。其實真正意義上的轉捩點是在凡爾賽，是那天我才發現原來自己是真的喜歡你了。因為你和他們和不來，於是我們就分道揚鑣了。這是你和aolong在完全沒有我的情況下單獨hangout，所以我想我肯定會成為炮灰被你們攻擊。 yudian在和你們分手之後鄭重警告我說我和xiongyi的physical contact已經超出朋友的範圍了。我也同時發現，只要沒有和你們在一起的時候，我隨時都好像貓抓心一樣，一直在想著你們。於是我很無助的向yudian求助，但已經太晚了。我這個人，一旦愛上，就不是忘不忘掉那麼簡單了，不掉一層皮，我都不會放過自己。 aolong很好，提議留下來等我們一起回去，我那天給你發了很多信息，我說的是真的，我真的想你。 aolong一見我就說你嫌我臉大，腿粗之類的，然後你一副被人出賣的樣子，雖然我也沒怎麼介意，卻有一種很想哭的感覺。你又是老一套，抱住我說you are the best. 那句famous 的sad face也是那天誕生的。我在和yudian騎車的時候，唯一想的就是如果能和你們一起騎會有多好。之後再去凡爾賽的時候，你也沒去，所以騎不騎也真的沒差。

放假的那個星期，三缺一的日子

在之前，我們三個人幫你photoshop visa到兩三點被你瞬間否決，我跟你抱怨來這邊還沒有好好travel的時候，你和我promise說，holiday我們一起出去玩。但現在想想，holiday十多天，我們見了不過三四次，我記得我們是星期三去的迪士尼，又一個載入史冊的日子。讓我來給你講講之前發生了什麼事，當我發覺自己喜歡你之後，我瞬間變得非常沮喪，我不想失去你這個朋友，所以完全不能給你講，但不跟你講，我自己又在越發敏感的內心越發沒辦法接受你總是對我愛理不理的現實。其實都是小事，例如你約好了我又不出現，我每次找你聊天你都不理我，不斷見aolong就只是為了要friends的事情，要完就要離開不要hangout，現在我都忘了的那些事情，但當時每次你這樣自私的小舉措，都會讓我晃神很久。在沒見你的幾天日子裡面，我不斷說服自己不要愛你，不斷想你的不好直到好像真的開始討厭你。所以那天早上在見到你之後，再加上你遲到了快一個小時，我怎麼能給你好臉色看？不過最主要的原因是我減肥過度，胃很難受。我很誇張的一直抱住自己的胃，你卻不聞不問。確實，你又想要討好我，我只是回了你一句今天的頭髮好難看。之後你在RER的大發飆讓我瞬間都不知道該怎麼反應。都已經不只難過了，是瞬間的失望，我那麼喜歡的一個人，寧願傷自己都不願意傷害我們的友情的一個人竟然這個樣子對我。那天，真的是你毀了我的disneyland。我對paris的disneyland是有故事的，他是張國榮和他男朋友一起玩過的地方，但也是被你一手毀了。我記得你在下了RER要換衣服的時候，你轉身就把衣服給aolong了，連正眼都不看我一眼，你要知道以前這種小事都是我幫你代勞的。不過我沒有在別人面前哭的習慣，只不過我已經冷到起雞皮疙瘩的程度了。雖然坐完那個電梯，這種發冷感已經消退一點，但每次我在快要開始enjoy的時候突然想到你那張臉，於是什麼興致都被澆熄了。謝謝你毀了我的迪士尼。我們一直坐那些忽高忽低的東西，紫烏龜也是在那天誕生的，aolong提議要再去坐rollercoaster的時候，我已經很想吐了，但結果你們一走，我就哭了。還是很委屈的流了幾滴淚，不過沒人知道。我對你做的每一件事都是為你好，包括說你頭髮不好看，為什麼你就是感覺不到? 後來你有在努力的幫我找廁所，這些小事我都心存感激。之後我們吃火鍋，話終於說開了，你很英勇的道歉，哎，但是迪士尼已經過去了。

Montmartre

那天早上因為傲龍睡過了頭，本來你們相約買dress也一起放棄，拉著我的手說，走，我陪你逛！ montmartre對我來講也有很深的意義。那是我們兩個感情最sweet的時候吧。我們牽著手逛montmartre，你還說我的手好小，我說你只是牽慣了另一種手。蒙馬高地上那些小街小道，那些畫家，路邊的那些花，那天，應該是我在巴黎最浪漫的日子。中午我們在山上吃了pizza，我還在努力減肥，pizza我只吃了一點點，你好像對服務生的service很生氣，於是堅持在收據上寫了very bad service。有時候我真的覺得你這些於事無補的小麻花舉動非常可愛，好像這些小事會對那些人造成任何影響一樣。你也在我的鑑定下，買了swatch的耳釘，還說我走的時候要什麼隨便我選。在這個耳釘之前，我每次看到小商店就進去逛，買了耳釘給你戴，就因為你的那句我要戴耳釘。不過，你轉身就弄不見了。我真的很喜歡你買的那副耳釘，本來也想買給自己的，又覺得我們始終不是情侶，戴一樣的耳釘也太過了。不知道你現在看到swatch的那個耳釘的時候，有沒有一絲絲想我的感覺？我一直在新加坡找，但始終找不到。那天晚上，我們三個一起在montartre看日落。幸福的我都快說不出話來了。

花生家

很多次我們的聚會都是在傲龍家舉行的，床就是我們唯一棲身的地點。其實你為什麼要從後面抱我？為什麼要親我？你其實想讓我怎麼回應你？後來aolong給我分析的時候，他說你一直在試探，把我當成試驗品，看你的麻花程度到多少。當然這個狠狠的傷了我。其實我也不那麼覺得，我始終覺得你可能真的有那麼一點喜歡我，可能比朋友多喜歡一點點。我記得在aolong家發生的那些sweet things. 例如我幫你按摩，你也幫我按摩，還有你從後面抱住我，你說我手很白，然後就親了我，你和aolong幫我塗指甲油。你非常嘲笑我的那條紅色的褲子。你確實也愛端詳我們的自拍照後說其實還蠻有感覺的。當然還有你很ass的大多數時候，例如你有段時間找aolong完全是因為你想要Friends的法語版，拿到了就說要走。而我往往就會和aolong再呆一陣子。確實，特別是到後期，我和你只是名存實亡的所謂閨蜜，大部分時候都是aolong把我從深淵中一次次救出來。而這個深淵，之所以我走進去，就是因為我選擇了同時和你當朋友但卻沒辦法控制自己喜歡你的心情。於是每天就這樣周而復始，以朋友的名義關心你，以比朋友更多的感情被你傷。當時覺得很辛苦，其實事情發展到11，12月的時候才真的到了谷底。

巴塞羅那

其實在整個假期，我們就沒見面了，你每天都說有很多paper這樣那樣，想方設法的不出來，於是我也就各種傷心生氣，不過也算了。我從來為你，為所有人擠時間，大不了不睡覺，我做的到，你做不到。這時我便開始了暴飲暴食，其實真正長胖是那個時候開始的。心靈的空虛好像只有Ben and jerry 可以安慰。經常吃到胃痛，其實我真的因為你，折磨了自己很多很多。現在，我仍然在彌補當時的過錯。特別是通過昨晚的聊天，其實明明可以很開心的做朋友，何必要單戀呢？對你，對我，都辛苦。於是我抱著一顆真的破碎的心踏上了去巴塞羅那的飛機。你知道我喜歡你了，那封email講的很清楚。然後你去我的facebook like了無數以前的posts，真的是非常可愛的舉動。我確實放下了心中的大石，因為我知道全世界不只是我一個人默默的在可憐的維護這段所謂的友情。你確實是個好人，知道我喜歡你之後，你很明顯受了不少刺激，然後開始很保護我，怕你自己再hurt my feelings。我已經道歉過很多次，不好意思讓你在我面前沒辦法做那個沒心沒肺的你。其實到現在，我好像終於搞清楚你這個人之後發現你雖然可能心思沒我那麼細，但你其實非常脆弱，而且表面你可能不care，但很多事情你都在默默的承受。我以為你知道我喜歡你之後便會非常圓滿。朋友或情人，你自己選。這是我以為自己的第一個closure, 結果你開始對我更好之後，我好像陷得更深了。巴塞羅那就這樣過去了。和朋友在一起沒和你們在一起開心，但至少也不會傷心。

LGBT

那天晚上確實喝多了，你醉了，我也醉了，於是拉拉扯扯的去了那個party。那天晚上我的照相機的一段錄像把我對你的愛都記錄得滿滿的。你的舞步確實很麻花，你也沒有成功吸引到你根本不熟的那些人，但我在旁邊一直叫：you are the best! 確實你和真實的人類相處的不多，很多時候你沒辦法拿捏那個度，就算是麻花，但也不能第一次見面就去摸別人胸肌，這在正常社交圈是多麼的失禮。但你不知道。那晚你給我買了一朵玫瑰，紅色的好像，我真的也記不清楚了。你說這是你第一次送女生玫瑰。我應該感到榮幸嗎？其實你最可愛的一點就是明明屁大一點事，你卻大費周章，天天嚷著我把你的那麼多個第一次都奪走了。麻花翻了。那天晚上我確實醉的很厲害，party上你幫我買酒，我覺得被人照顧的感覺真好。那晚taxi都開到我的家了，我跟你講我不想回去，你二話不說就把我領回你家。酒已經醒了，你叫回去提醒你send essay，於是回家你先send essay，我在洗漱，然後亂拿著你的那些瓶瓶罐罐洗洗擦擦，你就找蘭芝的sleeping mask給我，我說你管我幹嘛，先把你自己的東西忙完，然後你說你是我閨蜜，我不管你管誰。於是我狠狠被你感動了。那天晚上明顯我們中間保持著距離。我們已經沒法像以前那麼熟了。第二天走的時候，我忘了把花拿走，結果你的第一朵玫瑰就死在了你家的某個角落。你對我抱怨過不下三次。其實我才是真的後悔，連這朵玫瑰花的樣子都不記得。

Political Paper

很多次我約你在library一起討論這個paper，你都沒有show up，deadline快到的時候，你說一起skype meeting算了，其實我和別人做project的時候都特別被動，而且能不見就不見，但由於是你，我真的很想創造多見面的機會。但最終還是沒有。我寫好outline之後，在網上等你，我們約好5點，你10點多了都沒有出現。中間的五個小時，我傷心到已經過了頭。並不是事情本身，而是如果你care enough的話，你是不會單方面放人鴿子那麼久。我承認我太drama，但因為對方是你，我的心都幾乎碎了。我就是那麼intense的人。然後我出門散心，一場大drama發生了。我真的墮落的在一個完全不認識的人的身上尋找慰藉, 幸好aolong出现救我，要不然我和那个意大利人，哎，不说了。多麼可悲。最後11點多，你終於醒過來。打了個電話，我當然說“那你繼續睡”。然後過了一會，你發了個信息，然后就这样结束了. 如果是我，就算對普通朋友，我一定會一直打電話，直到確認對方不生氣了為止。我也不是生氣，只是傷心，因為你真的沒把我當回事。 aolong在我旁邊，在我最需要肩膀的時候借給了我。之後的第二天，你仍然沒有把事情放在心上的意思，居然說要去gym，然後一下又消失了一上午。於是我想，乾脆自己把paper寫完算了，反正以我的智商也不需要你幫忙。我是真的非常生氣。是誰說天天都在寫paper然後讓我壓力非常大，生怕自己的功力不夠高，寫不出來可以讓你滿意的東西。結果你居然可以這麼不care。

攤牌

某一天在facebook，你給我抱怨muji如何對你愛理不理，每次短信都只回一點點，我出於一個朋友的立場，真心的勸你，不管是愛情還是友情，都要用心去對待。不能只隨著自己的意願，想來則來，想去就去。 a and f也覺得你非常自私，所以不只是我一個人這樣覺得。我覺得你非常有必要知道你這個致命的毛病，便跟你講。結果換來一句“we are not in a relationship you know?” 我本來很激動的在和你辯論朋友相處之道，然後瞬間心灰意冷。謝謝你那麼狠心的告訴我每天都提醒自己的事情。張愛玲說的對，能說出口的委屈就不叫委屈。我真的不知道該怎麼回答你。我強裝鎮定，of course i know. 然後你接著說people expect different things when they are in a relationship. 我知道。但這確實是你的致命傷，你只把你喜歡的人當人，把朋友當草。但你知不知道，你喜歡的那些人，有多少能夠真正的對你好？還是他們只想have fun而已。幸好你現在已經明白這個道理。不過事情攤開來談反而容易，於是我們還是很自然的promise 要當each other 的bestie。但你的那句話，是傷我最深的其中一句。當然你沒有錯。其實我非常客觀的講一句，所有我承受的，都不是你的錯。但你所承受的，確實是我造成的。所以就連昨天我們聊天的時候，我依然在和你道歉。其實這段感情，我到底放下了多少的尊嚴，才會在自己的心還在流血的情況下不斷的安慰你，就是怕你承受太多。之後的幾天，我大大小小的給你留了很多言，希望你不要被我traumatized，終於你說，i think you are the one that get traumatized, 到今天還關心我。其實千錯萬錯就錯在我是一個分不清楚physical closeness 和emotional closeness的差別，才會喜歡上你。

唱k

第二次見momo，我很小心的收起了自己的醋意。也是在那次我和momo有機會仔細聊，其實都是戀愛路上走不順的女子，我又有什麼權利討厭她。她問我是不是和你在一起？我非常誇張的進行了否認，不過內心都在淌血。我有感覺到你的有意無意的注視，畢竟那是我們攤牌後的第二次見面。整晚也沒什麼，只是我覺得你聚精會神的吃東西的樣子非常可愛。之後，你給我一直重複說szy如何如何可愛。你還在fb不止一次製止我們對他的攻擊。難道一個你喜歡的人真的比真心關心你的人都重要嗎？你也是一個非常心智不成熟的人。在你知道我喜歡你但沒有攤牌之前，每次我們聊到感情的問題的時候，只要稍微嚴肅了一點，你就會拿aolong當擋箭牌，問我是不是愛上了他? 多麼幼稚的人。

你和小丹

你真的是好人，為了怕傷害我，故意沒有給我多分享你和小丹的事。我去法國南部旅遊之前，你非常好的在大半夜把我需要的backpack送到我家樓下。其實正在蜜運中的你又怎麼能夠掩飾的了你打翻蜜糖的心。在我問詢之下，你便臉都笑僵了的給我講述了你們之間甜蜜的種種。說真的，我真的很為你高興，高興到放心，終於知道這個男的不是jerk，終於知道他不是為了上你才和你在一起。我突然覺得自己可以放心的離開巴黎。你很sweet的在包裡放了給我的新年禮物，雖然當時才12月10多號。我很開心，當然不是因為你給我的禮物，而是因為你願意半夜為了專門送包包過來。我的銀行卡有問題，你還叫我乾脆用你的算了。跟你講goodbye之後，轉身眼淚便滴了下來，確實，我太高估自己能夠承受你與其他人的甜蜜故事，莫名的覺得心里中了一箭。你對我好的每一件小事我都記得，所以才對你那麼念念不忘，或許我應該經常把你那些jerk behaviour 記掛在心，然後就可以很容易的忘掉你。不過我這個人從來都只念著人家的好，這對我來說，可能是一個最大的福音。

pat 的 home party

謝謝你那一次和r的舌吻，這或多或少在我get over你的道路上起到了決定性的作用。其實也是我介紹給你們認識的，我想自己走了之後你可以找個人好好發展，當時你還沒有小丹。在第二次的party上，因為r是一個好主動的人，他在kiss你之前還有跟我講，我也挺犯傻挺開心。但真的走進臥室看到你們倆個在makeout的時候，我大腦已經停止了運作。就好像我在blog裡寫到，那種感覺就好像是還沒看到火車開過來，就已經被碾過。我其實還是有一分竊喜的，我終於看到活的麻花接吻了。而且是舌吻。馬上skype現場報告，結果傲龍一句你還好吧，我的眼淚就不爭氣的流了出來。酒精確實讓人情緒波動很大。有時候我甚至覺得r is a better friend than you。他至少發現我醉後一直問我ca va。你也真是個活寶，你肯定知道我哭了，居然找個lame的理由說，你跟dianne出櫃，她傷心的哭了。所以，你還是繼續麻花吧，女的，你也搞不定的。不過那晚你們到處make out，我最後也只有認輸了。當晚因為有酒精，不覺得有多難受，難受是在之後的幾天，每次想到都會難過的想吐。我還是繼續和r做朋友，我真的很喜歡他。其實後來你和小丹分手之後，如果我能想想那晚發生的事，我應該早料到你和小丹根本沒有那麼認真。

你失戀了

得知你失戀的時候，我是哭著睡著的。你失戀就好像我失戀一樣。我和傲龍說，如果你找到一個人就算了，我就放心的離開巴黎了，但現在，你又這樣。你用這個理由，skip了接下來連續幾天的活動。都要聖誕節了，你卻突然消失。我幾乎每隔一段時間就會給你發信息，安慰你，叫你開心一點，嘗試讓你出門和我們一起玩可以散心。我相信這件事情對你的影響確實很大的，但確實也沒有我想像中的那麼深。我居然當初為了小丹放棄了我一直想去的意大利，就是因為我怕你不知道如何拒絕我，因為如果是我，我當然也會選擇和自己愛的人去旅行，而不是自己的朋友。你說哪裡會，你也一時興起說他哪裡有我重要。雖然我知道你這人的話相信一半就好，但確實也得瑟了很久。你失戀的幾天，雖然我每天都在和大家玩，但我時時刻刻都在擔心你。凡爾賽的那天確實我們背著你把你分析了差不多五十遍，現在我也很後悔，如果沒有我，你在他們心裡的形像還是挺健康的。我不應該管不住自己的嘴巴講了你那些不想讓人知道的事情。但我們都為了你好。

聖誕了

聖誕，和我想像中的不一樣。之前我們三個一起逛香街聖誕集市的時候，可能是我覺得最幸福的時候。在冷風天，能夠牽著生命中我最在乎的異性朋友，吃著最好的kebab，還有在巴黎坐上了摩天輪。我幸福的都快飛起來。你說我這樣多好，一下就能有兩個男朋友。但你不知道，我當然寧願只要一個能夠愛我的男人。聖誕節我們再次home party，在經過你接近一個星期的自虐和虐待我，以及早上再次失約的情況下，我見到你已經麻木了。你其實根本沒那麼受傷，幹嘛要偽裝成這樣來折磨我？ home party的頭一個小時是尷尬的。你家裡亂的像被人搶劫了，如果你真的care的話，就不會不事先整理好，還要我們來了收。我以前會幫你整理的，那天真的沒這份心情做這件事，fiona很好，幫你整理。我空腹喝了點酒，胃突然絞痛，你居然對著趴在那裡頭髮凌亂的我說picture time。當然aolong和fiona制止了你。不過現在想來，這應該是你奇怪的cheer me up的方式。我一直出去陽台抽煙，沒辦法在你周圍活動。後來，繼續喝了點酒，便突然覺得大過節的，我不能親手再把自己的聖誕毀了。於是終於氣氛又活躍起來。但確實，我們四個的友情在那時候，雖然表面上還好，卻真的有些裂縫，已經沒前幾次融洽，特別是F，她也心事重重。所以是時候我們也該散了。那晚在我和你一起下樓去買喝的的時候，我們終於冰釋前嫌，反正喝醉了的我非常好控制，你把我左轉右轉看帥哥，回來後，我開心的已經暈頭轉向。我們立刻開始定機票酒店，plan意大利之行。你在訂酒店的過程中又kiss我兩次。哎，我應該給你什麼回應？那天晚上我們去聽了彌撒。沒想到fiona和aolong竟然聽哭了，於是本來決定的sleepover就被迫取消了。我東西在你家，再加上我很不想回去看到某個人，於是我還是回了你家。晚上的電視節目非常黃色，你看著裸女跳來跳去說你硬不起來，我覺得你真的很好笑。你的no。 1閨蜜打電話來，迷迷糊糊里我知道我永遠沒辦法像你和她那麼熟,而且那是我一手毀掉的。之後你又開了火鍋說要吃。 0點0分的時候，我們小擁抱了一下。其實傲龍和F走了之後我就沒興致過節了，我本來想今晚大家要瘋狂的玩，結果剩下我們兩個人，能怎麼玩。然後你嚷著說要睡覺，但我不想睡，你就非常遷就我。我們居然聊天聊到凌晨4點，我把想跟你講的話都跟你講了。把你的缺點，你不明白的地方，你要改進的地方，一股腦跟你講了。聊到high了的時候，你發瘋一樣的講對對對，我就是阿a。你也說，媽呀，我都要愛上你了。哎，只可惜你是“都要”，我卻早就愛上你了。那晚絕對對你意義非凡。不過當你到後來有點小sad的時候，我趴過來確認你沒有在哭，你可能覺得我想要親你，講了句，你要幹嘛啊，嚇死我了。其實最傷我的，往往都是你不經意的反應。我很害怕你覺得我想要把你掰直，確實，我想過，但是也不想承受那麼多麻煩。其實我比誰都知道我們不可能在於就算你因為我直了，我也不可能愛你很久。你的性格，真的不是我能愛得下去的。不過那晚，我們一直摟摟抱抱，我枕著你的手臂就睡著了。快到下午才起床，你說你只有對自己男朋友這麼好，被我差遣著幫我弄早餐。下午我們去了fiona家，一路上都摟著我，不知道你怎麼知道我喜歡被人摟著，我就靠在你的肩膀上，感覺著短暫的幸福。我們確實太close了，對不對？ aolong給我看過我們在ktv的照片，真的太close了。晚上回你家，繼續吃火鍋，不過你突然頭痛，突然就萎了，而我突然就擔心到傷心的程度，叫你躺下，給你拿藥，然後一個人把你家那麼大堆臟碗全部洗乾淨。然後一直給你端茶送水。確實，那晚你有被我狠狠的感動到，因為你第一次破天荒的送了我下樓。還在電梯裡面跟我講你要好好照顧自己。明明我們第二天就會見，你卻講出這種話。我當然知道你幾乎沒講過這種實在的話。其實，你到底，是不是也喜歡過我？

意大利

如果沒有意大利，我也不會真正意義上的知道我們中間的距離是永遠不能逾越的。在七天朝夕相處的情況下，我知道我們永遠不可能。你心裡有你想的感情，我心裡也無法忍受再無條件的對你好。在我們這七天輪流生病的情況下，我知道雖然你對我好到確實沒話說，但我也永遠比不上一個身材好的陌生人。他們能給你帶來的開心，是我永遠沒法給你的。你能在我生病時，為了不吵我，連床都不上，坐在椅子上，聲音都不敢開的玩angry bird，我在被你悉悉索索的吃餅乾的聲音吵醒後，就算頭痛的要爆炸，身體難受的想死，也堅持要穿上所有的衣服陪你出去吃飯。我記掛著你的好。卻無法帶給你最純粹最開心的笑容。那是你在和hottie們聊天的那種energy，只有他們才能讓你忘了你也和我一樣在感冒，還要執意脫掉你的毛衣出去和他們約會。你走了，我難過的睡不著覺，也生怕自己睡去了沒法給你開門。但你最終沒法過自己那關，最終沒和他們見面。回來後，你確實很down，我想offer一個friendly hug，你突然轉過頭來說you know it's quite intimiate, only my bf can do that. 確實，能說的出的委屈就不是委屈。你知不知道，你每次down我的心情也會被你影響。我會想cheer you up. 但我能給的，不過是friendly hug。你卻對我還有戒心。第二天，也是我們意大利之行的最後一天，你如願以償自食其果的再次倒下。你一句話都不講，於是我只有收起我所有的病痛，全心的照顧你。我已經再也沒辦法給你更多的關心。你仍然一言不發。那是2011年最後一天。其實整個意大利之行，我清楚的看到了我們的距離。例如你想到muji時的難過，想到小丹時的失落，同樣在戀愛路上磕磕碰碰的我，怎麼會不知道你在想什麼。你白痴到能定錯機票，我也不好意思責怪你，卻確實有點生氣。不過我也記得好清楚我們在florence聊天到清早，你居然願意陪我大半夜出門壓馬路。你一次又一次的叫我hamster。你給我講我快要超越你的no。 1閨蜜。到後來，我們十指緊扣的逛完了那多的風景，我們也鬧小彆扭，不對，是你執意鬧小彆扭，原因就是因為我說我們不會在一起旅遊，然後我要block你，你就真的把我甩在路中間就走了。過了幾個小時後，我從被窩縫隙裡問你我到底做錯了什麼你要這樣？你瞬間就微笑討好，說你就是一個愛鬧小彆扭的人。這些都是我珍惜的小細節。你對我真的很好。但我們之間的那條鴻溝，則體現在一些更小的細節上。例如從pisa回來的火車上，你怪我為什麼沒帶你去吃攻略上好吃的東西。但你有沒有想過，是誰每次一餓起來就非要在下一間餐廳隨便吃，也不管我餓不餓，有沒有什麼安排。而且你連什麼攻略都沒做，你憑什麼這樣怪我。然後你說以後都要吃中餐，雖然我及其不願意，但沒辦法，誰叫我喜歡你呢。從pisa回來的路上，我冷的發抖，你完全不管我，就因為我們為了那些吃的小吵了一下。雖然才半個小時多的旅程，但我冷的好難受。之後你也意識到自己不對，又把我摟著抱著送進酒店。第二天我就發高燒了。早上的時候，你對我說，昨晚你的呼吸聲也好重。在你生病的那天晚上，也就是前一天晚上，我們8點過就回酒店了，把你安排著睡了覺，我卻怎麼都睡不著。迷迷糊糊中，你一直往我這邊靠，我感覺你急促的呼吸就在離我非常近的地方。其實我最討厭和別人面對面的睡，討厭第二個人的呼吸吐在我的臉上，但對你，我好像什麼都不顧忌。過了幾個小時，你醒了，全身都被汗浸透了，人也好了。我們就在那個情況下，無聊的聊到早上。在羅馬的鬥獸場前面，你又down了。於是我深刻明白了能給你帶來憂傷的不是我，自然，能給你帶來快樂的也不是我。

我們的感冒互相傳染，在羅馬已經是各種老弱病殘。其實整個意大利真的一點都不順利。但我卻很珍惜。只是最後一晚發生的事情，確實讓我傷了蠻久。

跨年

當然看你那樣就知道你不可能跨年，其實我不比你好多少，但我願意出去和大家狂歡。你卻選擇窩在家裡。我很想叫你陪我去。因為，雖然我們都沒說明，但新年的那一刻我們應該kiss的。但我已經不敢再要求什麼。我在幫你整理了那麼臭的冰箱後就走了。到現在，在家裡不情不願的洗碗時，我都會想到我曾經那麼積極的幫你洗過你家大大小小的碗。新年的第一晚我有多麼悲催你應該知道。之後的1，2號你都沒出來。我們四個人最後居然沒坐下來吃一席散伙飯。在沒有你的時候，我敢把自己的脆弱給別人看，於是在和F和A吃飯的時候，我敢表現出我的不捨。但最後和你吃的時候我都不知道我該講些什麼。而且，在你給aolong的新年禮物裡有一張紙條，為什麼我卻沒有收到你任何的文字？

送機

終於寫到最後一天。寫了三天了。我到現在還是覺得如果aolong能夠去，整個氛圍應該很不一樣。我是做好在機場大哭的準備，然後把想要給你講的話一次過講完。但我們兩個都是慣性裝b，從不把眼淚擺在外面流。也不知道為什麼，到了最後一剎那，我也沒什麼想哭的感覺。於是很平淡的就這樣靠著你，say goodbye 然後擁抱。最後居然不是你看著我遠去，而是你沒等我進關就走了。而且在進關後我就發現ic不見，於是直到aolong哭著打電話過來，我也沒辦法沉浸在離別的感情中。命運的安排真的很奇怪，或許一切屬於情侶的舉動都注定不會發生，或許上天眷顧我，不准許我越陷越深。我第一次流淚是在離開巴黎後的14個小時，當我半夢半醒的時候，突然發現身邊再也沒有肩膀給我依靠，才發現過去的真的過去了。
其實為了你留下的眼淚真的不算少，在aolong面前就有過幾次。例如有一次忽然聽到楊千嬅的煉金術，便在化妝的途中哭到幾乎喘不過氣。也在聖誕前一夜，半夜給aolong講我再也受不了，於是一個人不敢哭出聲的哭到睡著。或許因為這一切都發生在巴黎，所以回想起來都有一種淒美的感覺。可能正是因為巴黎，我才會愛上你。因為當我抬頭看見閃著光的eiffel tower的時候，轉眼一望便看到了你。當我沉醉在夜幕中的塞纳河時，頭一靠便是你的肩膀。是天時地利讓我愛上了你，只可惜人不合，所以才沒法真正的和你在一起。不過就好像微博上說的一樣，有哪一段深刻的友情背後沒有愛呢？這封信，我永遠不會給你看，只是我自己的救贖。我想要記住你，卻要放下這段情。

我從來沒有後悔喜歡你。昨天看到你活潑開心的樣子，我只想跟你說，真的很想你。

Brand new beginning

2012-01-30T09:42:00.001+08:00

Finally Monday. I must stick to my schedule. I need to rock this sem!

And I finally got a good night sleep last night, after a long exhausting power nap of 4 hrs in the afternoon. Was a little feverish. And hit the bottom. So now I'm bouncing back!

I will continue rocking!

still have to be optimstic

2012-01-29T23:24:00.002+08:00

sauli wrote a post abt adam. "a year ago he flew to LA for adam's birthday, and he is still here today". somehow this made me believe in fairy tale kind of love.

so horoscope said, taurus is going to 咸鱼翻身 and have 10 yrs of love. hope it is true

。

2012-01-28T00:53:00.004+08:00

自己以为再深的情到头来也被人伤，被人笑，爱人可以很光彩，我的故事讲出去我自己都觉得好笑

cny over! now start afresh!

2012-01-26T23:46:00.002+08:00

things i have to accomplish in this month.

1. lose 5kg. strict no carbo, and no eating after 8

2. start good habits from day 1 and continue for 21 days. it work like this. i know i am terrible at self-discipline. so i have to list out all the habits. and everyday i have to keep up with one more habit than the day before. which means day 1 is 1 habit, then day 2 is 2 and it continues.

3. do every tutorials and readings

blah

2012-01-26T01:11:00.006+08:00

其实还是会想，怎么会不想呢？毕竟也是很intense的三个月的感情。本来打算做一件很笨的事，让别人去帮我做的事，所以这段本来就没结果的感情可以快点结束，直接slap me on the face, 但最后还是狠不下心，想要维持这段友谊的欲望还是战胜了自我保护的意愿。而且再伤也不过如此了。但为什么最近忽然豁然开朗了呢？都是因为过年的一个sms，我custom designed a sms and sent to everyone who means something to me, 包括他，当然他的回信是最长最meaningful的，也讲的非常有道理，但突然我就明白了，我在他心中的重量永远不可能来的比他在我心中重，甚至我可以用爱来形容对他的感情了，所以突然也就明白了解不可能就是不可能，以前上的性别学如果是对的话，那真的说明 im just not the one

今天没事又把skype翻出来看，他以前是那么愿意和我share他的感情上的detail，每天的hot date等，突然觉得我是不是不应该干预别人的生活，不应该管别人，但确实也是为他好。

新加坡这方面和某人的关系闹的挺僵的，特不待见不男人的男人。哎

Sentosa flowers

2012-01-25T11:00:00.001+08:00

Ntu has done some pretty amazing improvement, I just received a SMS saying my lecture tmr is cancelled. Haha. Good! So now I will have holiday till Friday ;) nice to continue celebrate Chinese new year.

Went to the flower exhibition in sentosa today. Such an over-advertising. I love the tropical feeling of sunshine and beaches, but seriously, I miss the hot hot amos... Yea, and I miss some hot bodies. Haha

Yea, been occupied by family is a way to take away my thoughts from that someone. But I still think abt him all the time.

I'm on my way, getting there

The adjustment bureau

2012-01-23T15:16:00.001+08:00

yes, so i am a hopeless romantic. and i actually believed in this kind of true-love-wins-everything plot.

love this movie 'the adjustment bureau'. definitely a great start of the year dragon.

1. people have to fight for what they believed in, even if there are tonnes of obstacles in the way
2. sometimes, life has plans prepared for us, but that does not mean we can't fight for any other things.
3. if we settle too fast too soon, we are just the ordinary us. fight, and miracle sets in.
4. "if you have her, you wouldn't have to win the election to fill the void in your heart"... this is so true. sometimes, what we chase all along is to fill in the void, but if we could find someone to fill that for us, maybe it does not matter after all. i used to despise this idea, but it actually make more sense now... although movie always stops when lovers are together, they forget the "ever after" part. so i believe in we should fight for love to begin, take whatever chances, throw ourselves into it and when love is settled, we have to run it, which means personal beliefs, values and characters all become important, which means works and personal lives become ultra important.

we need impulsion to start a love, but we need will and plans to sustain that...

such a nice movie.

absolutely loved it...

some random blah

2012-01-23T12:00:00.006+08:00

除夕是全家一起吃火锅过的，这个除夕过的真轻松，以前只有我和老妈的时候，真的什么事情都要亲力亲为，现在有老爸操劳，就看他一人忙里忙外的，闲着还睡了个午觉，多爽。

晚上发出去了一堆信息，大家都一一发回来了，bestie的信息看的我五味杂陈，反正站在朋友的立场上我应该很高兴了，其实这也就够了，那些有的没的在我的脑袋的可能的不可能的就留在兔年吧，龙年是一个大展宏图的一年，我要忘记该忘记的，珍惜该记得的。

春晚不好看，但我还是好爱王菲，她的微博真可爱

2012 hi :)

2012-01-22T22:47:00.001+08:00

another to do list event is new year resolution...

but all i want to have is the same old same old... which means i didn't really put in efforts for the past year. this is according to priority

1. lose weight to less than 48
2. GPA more than 4.5
3. find a suitable man for myself
4. go back to chengdu and have a fun trip with bf
5. perfect my skin

that's all. should be able to do them all

2011 byebye

2012-01-22T19:28:00.001+08:00

this has been on my to do list for a few days, so here it goes...

2011 has been a dramatic year.

First half of the year went pretty great. i studied my ass off during the last 2 weeks of the semester and got an impressive 4.28 for GPA. highest since i entered NTU. and while i was studying and falling madly in love with Adam Lambert, I received email from sciences po saying that i will be able to do the exchange program there... things are beyond happy.

but things went down since then, after getting my results back, grandma was suddenly sick and in a few days she went into coma. our family rushed back on the next flight out. sadly, i was only able to see the unconscious grandma for 23 days. that was such a torture for everyone of us... she passed away eventually. she is happily reunited with her father now.

due to the incident, i almost felt reluctant to go for paris. i only left with a few days to do all the shopping and found suitable place to stay... of course, panic attacks were something i felt over and over again. so here, really big thanks to jinlai, who helped me looking for houses when i were busy with other stuff.

then my magnificent and dramatic paris happened. my blog did most of the recordings of it. so i shall not recall it day by day.

basically, it was the happiest and most carefree 3-4 months i had... if i were given a chance to change something, probably i wouldn't be so frank about my feelings.
but no regrets :)

2011 has been eventful and meaningful~

looking for an awesome yr of dragon :D

只爱自己

2012-01-21T10:39:00.001+08:00

容祖儿 - 心淡
想不起怎么会病到不分好歹
连受苦都甜美
我每日捱著不睬不理
但却捱不死
又去痴缠你
难道终此一生都要这么
不可争一口气
连自尊都忘记
跌到极麻木只好相信
又再爬得起
就会有转机
若我不懂憎你如何离别你
亦怕不会飞
由这一分钟开始计起春风秋雨间
恨我对你以半年时间慢慢的心淡

很谦卑只不过是我太过爱你
限我对你以半年时间慢慢的心淡
付清账单
平静的对你热度退减
一天一点伤心过这一百数十晚
大概也够我送我来回地狱又折返人间
春天分手秋天会习惯
苦冲开了便淡
说甚么再平反
只怕被迫一起更碍眼
往后这半年间
只爱自己虽说不太习惯
毕竟有限就当过关

It is a trap

2012-01-18T12:29:00.001+08:00

Haven't been able to sleep lately. Maybe is the weather, maybe is the mood, maybe is the tones of caffeine..

Lately

2012-01-17T14:11:00.001+08:00

I was thinking abt how could I plan my time around the busy school works and tuitions and still get my much deserved shopping and friends reunion time. Turns out I'm good at planning but always fails to carry out.

My most hectic time of the day is when I'm on bus. Planning my day and wk ahead. But whenever I finished it, I forgot abt it... Many commitments and even more expectations from myself.

It's time to unleash it. I'm planning to get more exposure to competitions and talks in school, even if I have to go alone.

First competition I'm gonna work on is the one by credit Suisse. The prize is to get all expenses paid at a seminar in hk.

And the mof one, since I have not formed a team, I have to let it go... Sad face.

If i couldnt make my relationship status change, I have to perfect myself. Be the tough woman I always wanted to be... Elegance and class will just come naturally

Which one u choose?

2012-01-16T02:01:00.001+08:00

I know it's late, but sleep hasn't been my best friend lately. I had plans for today, but turned out that I couldn't complete the most important one. Should have more self control and better priority setting.

But it's hard to keep myself on check.
If not, I wouldn't be so fat after years if rambling...

Anw, my Bestie asked me to be a lady with class and taste, it's totally random.. But thinking of this problem, all the ladies I inspired to be are with taste, maybe not so classy though. I like girls who are tough and extremely capable and emotionally neat. That is the no 1 quality that I wanna have.. Being elegant is never my thing. I tend to speak too loud or act too dramatic.. And I laugh damn loud too.

Anw, I just wanna be the person I always wanted to be. Seriously, clock is ticking, really háve to be the best me

😉

2012-01-15T17:15:00.001+08:00

Housewife for today. Focus on simple things will make my life more enjoyable :)

HECTIC LIFE on so many levels

2012-01-14T00:37:00.002+08:00

apart from the 4 core modules i take, i have 6 tuitions per wk now... so basically, i have no free time at all. glad i skipped the first wk of lesson to pamper myself with shopping, now the war has to begin...

Next stop: new york

2012-01-12T02:23:00.001+08:00

Watched friends with benefits again. Can't remember when was the last time I watched it. But i definitively resonate with it now. Except for the benefits and the happy ending part, it's more or less the feelings I have for someone in Paris towards the end.

How do I put this? I dont exactly know what I should think abt? Haven't processed it thru yet. Kinda still stuck, emotions are messy. And I'm so incapable of dealing with that.

Yup, it was me playing with fire all along. Played with my own feelings. Overestimated my threshold for pain. Luckily Paris only lasts this long. So no matter how I wanted to trash myself by talking to him, I couldn't anymore.so it save me from getting involved to a even deeper level...

Yes. I tried to stay as just best friends. Yes. I wanted almost nothing but friendship in return. Yes. I'm thankful that he did treat me very good. But just like the girl said, if this is friendship, then who needs friends anymore... Somehow the words "we are not in a relationship" still hurts so bad. Yup, thanks for pointing out the obvious. And all the things I have done for a great great selfless friendship is to get this in return? That's not even hurt that i felt, It's just utter disappointment.

But I am always too lenient on myself. On everything. I never even tried to control my feelings. So I let the great friendship continued, and I still don't regret it. It turned out to be something that resembles love. Well, friendship is a kind of love... But at the same time, I am putting my heart on display for him to trash it. He was cautious and I can tell. But there is only this tiny things that he can do. The pain is inevitable. Seriously, it's only my fault.

So it seems like a rule now. No matter how miserable or how enlightening the experience was, you are not going to feel any difference when you finally get the bottom out of it. It's like it doesn't even matter if this thing happened or not in the first place. And that is how i know I have finally let it go.

Yup, so it still sounds damn ridiculous when I told my friend what happened. It's like the worst kind of drama. But it did happen to me. And I also cried many times on the streets like all the actress did... Only is that mine is in pairs, maybe more poetic.

Yea, emotion is messy. Especially mine since I have this incredibly sensitive heart. So I'm gonna tug it neatly away.

Life is simple.
If you wanna lose weight, stop eating. If you wanna be rich, don't e lazy. if you wanna be happy, find the love of your life and never let him go.

I'm gonna focus on the first 2. And if I'm lucky enough to get to the 3rd, yes, I won't let you go. I am still gonna be poetic and even more brave, I am going to put my heart on display, take it or trash it. I don't care. Cos I love you. And I deserve to have u.

I am going to study and work like mad. Yes. I deserve my very own happy ending. And new York, here I come!

crap

2012-01-11T10:08:00.001+08:00

the reason i feel so happy about paris is the fact that i was so carefree. that is the hardest thing to get in my life. coming back to singapore made me realize all the tangible expectations around me. the burden of the family... that really suck!

and seriously, i wanna move out!!!!!!

what a special 3 months

2012-01-10T17:41:00.002+08:00

talked to aolong today for really long. he read to me the letter he wrote to me... some parts of my paris life would be my eternal scar i guess. but i am so gonna miss the fabulous 4 months of my life, especially the last 3. it would be like a tape, i would play it over and over again. aolong is right though, all those moments i treasured, the sweet chemistry moments, it actually meant nothing. i over thought it definitely. thanks for him to force me to see things in perspective. aolong is a very 一针见血的人, he made me realize so many things were actually in my brain. it was of course hard to hear, but it was the most right thing for a friend to say.

a nice long chat today. but still, when u r not in paris, things somehow dun make sense. it's like you need the cold weather to feel the extra emotions flowing. and i know i have only been back for less than a week. but somehow paris days were so far behind me. at least it feels like it. today when i was reluctantly doing my dishes, i suddenly remembered the 2 times i were at my bestie's kitchen cleaning for him. 2 times cos he was sick and once cos i just wanna help.

yea, so i once offered my whole heart out and looked for nothing in return, of course that led to some serious heart breaking. but i once did that. kinda proud of myself. i thought i was so screwed by my past experiences that i could nv do that.

it was such an experience. now my only hope is that all my paris friendships are gonna last forever.

哎

2012-01-07T21:11:00.000+08:00

其实回家，整个感觉就是被困住了，然后非常累。怎么回事？

c'est la vie paris

2012-01-06T20:39:00.002+08:00

其实没料到的事情有很多，例如aolong最后没来送我，例如我和xiongyi坐在车上竟然一点伤感都没有，例如自己完全不记得把IC放在哪里，吓得我三魂没了七魄。整理行李时我们四个最后一次同一时区skype，聊各种好玩的事情，其实没有什么伤感，只是前天晚上我们三个最后一次真正散伙饭时，我看着他们的脸，确实挺舍不得的。不过所有小事堆在一起，打包啦，担心搬行李啦，就来不及想那些有的没的。

昨天早上起床后，把最后的东西收好，却忘记检查ic那些东西有没有带齐，最后check in发现后，就真的就慌了。结果最后把巴黎看清楚的愿望也落空了。

路上和xiongyi在车上，突然就不知道该讲什么了，他叫我多看几眼巴黎，我跟他说我从来都对人不对事的，或者我没料到的是为什么自己对他也没什么多的感觉了，或者说是在那个关头连自己该想什么都不知道了。我们各自坐在座位上，系着安全带，把头倒在他的肩膀上，中间隔一大段距离，也挺别扭的。本来以为有很多话要讲，但我这个人，跟什么人混就什么样脾气，他是那种对这些肉麻场面很别扭的人，所以我也就不多煽情了，其实我真的希望aolong在那里，带动我好好哭一场也好，整个送行太冷静了，就只剩下我们在互相调侃。我也不敢再多说他什么要找个好人之类的话，因为他会反感。其实在他帮我搬行李的时候我一边感动，一边觉得他好弱，这么点东西还要我一起搬。呵呵

这几天写东西都不痛不痒的，一篇blog都会写不完，存起来，以后再发。其实这都已经回来的第二天了，今天出门，发现确实不习惯，例如天气热的想死，新加坡气压太低，巴士里面有体臭之类的，然后这里的人出门都不打扮，胖女人很多，有些人妆画的好恐怖，紫乌龟到处都有。

其实在离开巴黎后，我还是掉过眼泪的，在飞机上，没什么特别的点，其实当时我正在睡觉，觉得头这样靠着很不舒服，然后突然很想念把头搭在xiongyi或者aolong肩膀的日子，突然想到以后这两个肩膀我再想靠也靠不到了，突然眼泪就吧嗒吧嗒的掉了下来。突然记得在逛香街的christmas market的时候，我一个人左手牵一个，右手牵一个，xiongyi说我一个人就有两个男朋友。所以我在怀念什么呢？有一个可以靠的肩膀，有你非常close的朋友。还是从来没有料到过会在巴黎结交那么那么那么深交的好友，虽然我一直说我要离开巴黎了，才可以把我的感情理顺，see it from perspective, 但好像这两天我脑袋里面想的都是某个人非常白痴的脸，他很自恋的照镜子，他的肩膀，他的手臂，他很贱的表情，以及非常缠人，发嗲，bitch的aolong，还有很有气质的fiona。

不过回新加坡后，我终于少了对这群人的依赖，不会呆在家就有莫名的失落感和紧张感，总是要看到他们的脸后才会安心。

现在，虽然离开巴黎才两天，但在记忆里，感觉一下子就远了，瞬间化成一段很真实的梦，住在巴黎的时候感觉到的真实感和踏实感让我几乎从来没有觉得自己身在梦境，但现在回想起来，塞纳河的样子，巴黎的石块街道，阴冷的天气，一下瞬间疏远了，感觉曾经在电影里面经历过，一下分解成了梦境，好像从来没有发生过。把这些影像放大一点，梦境里面有在一边照镜子一边set头发一边自我陶醉的xiongyi，有一边用电脑一边酗酒一边抽烟的aolong，和很有气质的fiona，这就是我在巴黎生活的全部。景色在当时不重要，现在都成为记忆里面很重要的支点，连接起来，巴黎就重新活过来了。

4/1/12

2012-01-04T11:32:00.002+08:00

行李超不多收完了，凌晨4点过，最近两天，吃了两天的散伙饭，把自己从胖吃到更胖，冰箱里面还有些剩的东西，所以，拿出来，煮了煮，又吃了。今天忙着买这买那，买了两个LV但一点兴奋感都没有，一路叫xiongyi帮忙拿着，大家都不想当暴发户。

昨天的散伙饭吃的很开心，今天的吃的很冷静，始终都只有三个人，4个人也没有聚起来，然后明天就要goodbye了，其实没想到chemistry转的那么快，我记得以前我们3个人比和fiona3个人要疯，现在变不同了。

我想我可能永远不懂sexuality不同看人角度不同这个观点，就好像有人不明白直男喜欢看star wars，喜欢看女人，为什么不喜欢看devil wears prada 的道理一样。

我们这群人，真的没有一点尺度可言，什么花生，什么14天，什么从吃gelato演变成演习课程。反正各种事情我们都能讨论，我看过其他三个轮流drama，也在skype上求救过再也受不了了，毫无保留的奉献过，最后也看清楚执着最后不过也只是无谓。不过换来的友情，我珍惜的把它捧在手心里自己都感动。那些充满回忆的地方，例如Montmartre, 例如disneyland.

to dos

2012-01-02T20:21:00.000+08:00

things are really on a countdown... and i have so many things to do... so starting later, i am going to start tackle it one by one...

1. ~~buy LV for my mum's friends~~
~~2. close bank account~~
~~3. grocery and gift shopping for my parents~~
4. write out new year resolution
5. achievement and reflection of 2011, this is gonna be intense
~~6. PACK!!!~~

Crazy Italy

2011-12-31T17:03:00.001+08:00

How to I put this? I'm thankful that I have a close friend to travel with me... Travelling makes me see things in perspective. Finally. So it's good. At least I am no longer obssessive. There is nothing to let go of. Friendship lasts:) that's what's important. Somehow it changes my choice in men. Not only the man must be emotionally independent and mature, he has to be damn strong mentally as well.

@Florence

2011-12-28T01:23:00.001+08:00

Thank u for coming to Italy with me. But I will never be the one that bring laughter on your face...

就这样了吧

2011-12-24T07:18:00.002+08:00

最近是怎么了，睡不着，胃难受，随时想吐。就好像以前的毛病又犯了一样。本来有好多东西想写下来，但实在难受的受不了了。今天还信誓旦旦的说看自己什么时候承受不了，原来就那么快。接下来是不是要看自己什么时候粉碎？相信也快了。

明天要圣诞了，让我开心的过吧。不用快乐，开心就好。

炼金术

2011-12-23T08:50:00.002+08:00

终于痛哭了，不用坐通宵。

就在化妆的时候，听到一首歌，瞬间就崩溃了，决堤了，如果他已经settle down了那我也就安心了，但现在他又。。。

这么全情的奉献，他失恋搞到我也跟失恋一样，结果感动的还是只有自己。

给我一团熊火试炼我
证明我这么狠狠爱过
期望不多只要得到过你身旁那宝座
给我一场洪水冷静我
眼泪太多已汇聚成河
力竭声嘶请你喜欢我
什么事都做过都不能感动你么
原来暂时共你没缘份
来年先会变得更合衬
顽石哪天变黄金我可以等
融合二人是哪样成份
但愿虔诚能显得吸引
用五十年溶化你成就金禧一吻
不够激情仍可靠耐性
对付你的冷酷及无情
沉默假使都算种本领我一定最安静
深信忠诚迟会获胜
那份固执终于都会被尊敬
如炼金般等你先转性
除非遗失人性怎可能一直结冰
头白了还在等情人预约在黄昏
原来暂时共你没缘份
来年先会变得更合衬
期待再苦再难堪我都会忍
谈情十年未晚不怕等
渡日如年仍觉得兴奋
若最后能溶化你
何用心急手震

当然不如歌词里面那么虔诚，至少我没有在追求在一起，但确实，我也虔诚的，忠诚的，本分的喜欢过一个人。我朋友说他是一个lucky bastard. 其实爱情这个东西，根本没有谁可怜谁不可怜，反正都是karma。我今天的付出就好像是为了消除以前的业障。就好像今天我的初恋问我为什么还不睡,我说睡不着，最近很容易被人吵醒，他就说“你从小就这样”。至少我曾经有被人那么爱过，他记得我一切的小细节。。。

听到别人失恋搞到就和自己失恋，写了一大篇信去安慰，换来一句so sweet和 why u make such a big deal，这就是我苦逼的感情。呵呵。有时候自己都想笑。

Dear Paris

2011-12-22T23:12:00.003+08:00

是时候写一些装b的文字来几年一下这四个月的生活了，眼看一切就快结束，而且居然比预期的早，现在的我是满眼的愁云惨雾，其实我期待的是小别胜新欢的甜蜜，却给了我一个不如不见的回应。如果用人生只若初见，那也太装b了。而且既然开心的真正拥有过，就不要后悔。

Dear Paris，

谢谢你那么厚待我，让我这四个月的生活里，无惊无险，无病无痛，谢谢你给我一间那么舒适的房子和人那么好的房东，谢谢你让我这个学期过的那么轻松，谢谢你让我看到了什么叫做帅哥，谢谢你让我从另一个角度来审视爱情，谢谢你让我在这个浪漫的要死的城市一个人承受住了所有的浪漫。

于是，关于自由。

自由，在9年前，好像就被剥夺了，新加坡不是一个自由的国家，有父母在的日子也不是自由的日子。好感谢这段时间可以那么静静的一个人生活。想起了便做饭，累了便睡觉，不用担心什么时候起床，不用担心什么时候睡觉，可以一窝就在床上一整天，也可以出去party到凌晨四五点，没有人管，也不用管人。没有家庭的担子，就是不用看着自己住的地方然后想着我要在几年之内买房子，不用看到老爸老妈的时候想着将来要在哪里定居。所以，这种自由，让整个身心都轻松了很多。或许因为心里腾出了空间，便有多余的容量来承受一段我自己都不知道要怎么形容的感情。

于是，关于友情。

这是让我最开心的highlight。例如一起喝醉酒，一起看帅哥，一起在铁塔前野餐，一起在家里面home party。我们什么都聊，真的什么都聊，那些外人听到会让人咋舌的话。其实如果再来一次，我会不会选择纯粹的友谊，从而不会有下一段文字，但我那么容易爱人。

于是，关于爱情。

或者不算爱情，应该是感情。不过这段感情我是下足了料，应该也足够撑得起刻骨铭心这四个字了吧。快乐的时候固然有，但我记得那些挫败，就是像把我在巴黎的灵魂上绑着很重的铅块，让我走在街头的某一刹那，突然就湿了眼眶。是不是最近受了aolong影响，让我觉得是不是当初也应该在他家楼下等待？从一开始有感觉就拼命的说服自己要 get over的感情是怎么样的可怜？有些时候想起来实在苛刻，不能emo，不能bitchy，不能down，不能说干脆不做朋友了吧，不能不见。是那么好的朋友，我那么珍惜的朋友，所以一切都tmd太复杂了。由于真的太关心，所以也是感情顾问，是我自己心甘情愿的，希望他能够幸福其实也是我在巴黎剩下的最后一个愿望了。但时时刻刻都像是在为人做嫁衣，如果我说一针一线其实都刺在我的心上，这样会不会太煽情？其实他是好人，已经为了不hurt我不给我分享感情的琐事，但我深知他还是一个感情上很幼稚的人，我怎么能就这样置之不理？更何况，一切都是我搞出来的，他只是order了一个朋友，现在却多一个负担。不过到后来，也容不得我再想是否get over这个问题了，因为在某一个home party上，我在还来不及反应就已经被活生生的枪毙。我没有立场生气，所以我也一点都没有生气。我甚至不需要 lick my wound，因为自作孽，从来都不可活。

那么多次，我站在感情的这一头，那么生气那么失望的看这一段感情，看一个或许连做人好友都不值的人，却依然双手奉献出自己全部的关心。所以是谁待我差到我甘心认输，然后总是愤怒过转眼又宽恕。因为毕竟没有人有义务对你好，他想要的只是朋友，我能给的也只能是朋友。也或许是因为我知道这段感情永远不可能，所以才那么大胆的奉献出全部关心。如果是真的有可能，我在就在以前自己亲手将此枪毙，看不到希望的恋爱是没有谈的必要的。

Paris，其实也怪paris，那么浪漫的城市，或许谁先站在我身旁我都会爱上谁，下次，拜托，给我一个我可以爱的，让我不要在街上走着走着都会难受到想吐。

请你在余下的10多天内厚待我。分一点福气给我，不准我留下我一个。

真的，要勇敢。

2011-12-21T11:36:00.003+08:00

最近的生物钟被各种有意无意的mess up了，于是出现凌晨5点仍在blog的状态。

i was just thinking abt something... cos i heard the song 明年今日. how many 明年 has passed from the first time i heard this song? the understanding for the lyrics are so different now... 其中的那个“你”也转过好多次。这个歌词真的很感人。

若这一刻我竟严重痴呆
根本不需要被爱
永远在床上发梦
余生都不会再悲哀

人总需要勇敢生存
我还是重新许愿
例如学会承受失恋

以前觉得最感人的一句话是：
在有生的瞬间能遇到你
竟花光所有运气
到这日才发现
曾呼吸过空气

曾经遇到的那位，现在转念已经成为了我的信仰，而如今再听到这首歌，最感动的，最感同身受的成为“人总需要勇敢生存”。其实可能不配这么厚重的歌词来形容我的人生，但“勇敢”这两个字竟然渐渐地成为了我人生信条，曾经以为自己是个很勇敢的人，直到经历越来越多了后，心魔恐惧也越来越多，承受能力却不见增加，知道了什么叫痛，却还没参透如何去承受。

其实不应该标榜和迷恋悲哀的，以前以为人生要用悲哀的基调来活才算深刻，但那是多么幼稚的想法。悲哀确实有让人着迷的点，他能让快乐更加浓厚，但迷恋悲哀，标榜悲哀，绝对不是值得生活的方式。人生真的只有一辈子，是拿来珍惜的。

还是希望回到以前御姐的风格，我想起曾经被众多人评论过“外表萝莉，内心御姐”，其实本来人生从来只打算做女强人，怎么一碰到感情上的问题整个人气势就消失了呢？不要空虚，因为人生有很多事情要做。不要依恋，因为感同身受根本不存在。活在这个世界上，注定孤独，孤独可以，但不要寂寞就好。

真的，要勇敢。

i was just led on

2011-12-21T09:00:00.000+08:00

thinking abt how the hell i got to the state where i am now and realized i was truly led on... all the interactions we used to have were so intimate. then i got even sadder for blaming myself for so long. basically i did nothing wrong.

but love, there is no right or wrong...

and i am always encouraging people to love, to embrace whatever life has to offer. but i am so coward myself. ok. maybe not as coward as i used to be, but at least i wasnt brave enough to get what i want. and i asked aolong not to think abt results. but i do it all the time.

if karma does exist, i hope it work on me asap. it's time to reap from all the love that i sew...

谁待我差到我甘心认输

2011-12-20T08:38:00.000+08:00

看到别人的快乐，别人的终成眷属，作为朋友，当然高兴恭喜，转念想到自身，仍然困在前不着村后不着店的地方。回去新加坡后，就又不是一个人那么简单了，又是一个家庭扛在头上。回想起11年刚开始的时候，满心的欢喜，心想今年总该遇到对的人了吧，所有的星座生肖都这样讲，结果呢？辜负了一个喜欢自己的，喜欢了一个错误的。站在天平的这一头，很容易觉得自己何其可怜，却忘了就在来巴黎之前，自己也亲手枪毙了别人。恋爱这东西其实就是karma，今天付出的，希望明天能够好好的收获回来。

最近严重失眠，睡不着觉的时候，把我们pawa的帖子从头到尾读了一遍，其实不过是10月下旬才开始的友情，感觉真的有一个世纪那么久。或许又是我一厢情愿了吧。然后又翻了我以前的entry，当我开始想与某人可能与否之前，那么多的细节，现在居然开始怀念。不过又是谁待我差到我甘心认输。现在也不是什么get over or not 的问题了，直接火车驶进月台，瞬间就碾过去了。

感觉好久没有走在过巴黎的街道了，今天再次经过notre dame的时候，居然有点感动。那么多个晚上自己独自走过这段路，总是满心期待的去对岸，又满心失落的回来。来来去去了多少次，把自己的心当玩具玩弄了多少次。就好像最近总是矛盾于是否能够继续维持友情一样。内心无法承受他的各种情史，却又想知道detail。和傲龙一样犯贱，不过他擅长折磨别人，我却总是折磨自己。或许还没有深刻到要从此一刀两断，我在想我这根橡筋要多久才会断。

或许这一切只是自己肆意的标榜，没有这些断肠的屁，又怎么能显得巴黎如此高贵。真的全是放屁。我现在其实已经累得思想不清醒。还要等着帮老妈办准证。

然后又眼看这段快乐与心痛并存的时间即将结束，我也真的不知道应不应该去意大利。其实早就和他没有最初认识的熟，表面上真的没差，其实真的在互相逃避，就好像看到当初去Montmartre的entry，其实当时已经出界，却因为纸还能包住火所以一切还算正常，算是闺蜜时期的最后辉煌吧。呵呵

也是因为没有念的，没有想的，才会一直为这屁大一点的事斤斤计较。

年底快到了，new year resolution is 不要想着怎么节约钱，想着怎么挣钱！

其实怎么能自私的说家庭是burden，其实自己若有似无没有意义的感情才是burden，醒醒吧，什么时候才能懂事呢

.

2011-12-19T09:31:00.003+08:00

the worst is to let the thoughts settle into the brain... all the flashback doesn't hurt me... all the facts do... i really wanna strangle myself for being so weak. forget it. seriously

happy is a mindset. i opt for it

有些時候我覺得自己可能會心痛到死掉，有些時候又覺得不過那麼屁大點事。

cruel much?

2011-12-19T02:57:00.002+08:00

就在我面前和人舌吻了，就在我面前发出各种声音，我逃了，不然呢？看着然后把自己心碾碎。我当然已经不喜欢了，但不喜欢不代表能忍受一切的亲密举动，我已经大声恭喜过建议过分享过承受过拥有小丹的喜悦，居然还来一场现场即兴真人show，是怕车祸现场太过整洁？他们在卧室，我便跑到厅里，一个人倒在外面。逃，我做得到，还没有贱到要目睹一切来考验自己的承受力。然后msg给傲龙，“他们在make out了，omg！” 雀跃欢心的样子。然后skype电话打来了，一句你还好吧？就瞬间眼泪绝提，再加上酒精，各种不清醒。其实干嘛关心我？自找苦吃的人从来不值得可怜。结果居然香港人也对我呵护有佳，以为我在外面醉了，跑出来一直ça va ça va? 然后又来一轮唇枪舌战，再次失守，厕所也成了避难所。

太吵了，午夜决定转战pat家，他们就手牵手高高兴兴的走了。冷分吹一下，瞬间清醒。哈哈，终于看到了我梦寐以求的画面，多么值得高兴的一件事。转战pat家，他们也转战，在一群女生面前躺在地上各种make out，还是一样，他们在哪，我就躲开，坐在房间的角落，用椅子挡住视线，结果他们轮流转战客厅或卧室，逼到我没地方逃，我就只有坐在过道，酒都没醒，动一下也想吐，不过脑袋还是清醒的，现场转播的我也很开心。可怜没有cab给他们回家，有情人没办法成眷属。后来，情到太浓处，女生都开始躲，结果一大帮人被困在卧室不敢出去。

最后各自醉的东倒西歪的时候，我就醒了，聊天也聊到非常开心。他们睡在面前的沙发上，终于安分守己。5点过起来，有人要吐，有人要回家，人家pat要旅游，12点的飞机。作为朋友当然要帮忙，扛下baby sitting的工作，结果一个睡客厅，一个睡卧室，中间有人试图要再hook up，不过终究也没搞成。i shouldn't be in their way. 不过人家pat专门交代不要他们做出任何事，当然还是有责任。水池被弄得一塌糊涂。居然一夜没睡仍然非常精神，万般无聊的自己玩手机，等pat回家。

就这样了，匆忙say goodbye后，发现早上有阳光的巴黎原来那么漂亮，可惜没带隐形眼镜，到处都模糊的。不过冷风落叶没有人的街道，已经足够写意了。

其实人生真的就那么简单，不过就是你看对眼我看对眼然后开始各种故事。很容易，不是吗？

i thank alcohol for blurry memory

2011-12-18T17:44:00.000+08:00

it's shielding me from pain? maybe pain is too strong a word, it just shield me from some negative feeling i had... i remembered exactly what happened last night. but i dun remember how sad i was. alcohol made me crying like a baby for a minute, but rationality kept me sane, kept me from embarrassing myself in front of everyone. no one sees.

it's like conquering your worst fear. u have to look at it until u get used to it. it kinda described what happened last night. somehow i was running away from the crime scene, but they kept on following me... so i had no where to run. i was running frantically away from them. but after a while, when i had come to terms with myself, it became no big deal anymore.

anyway, this is a nice dramatic lesson. and i am really thankful for that. Paris made my EQ so fucking high!

what a weirdo. but seriously, grow up!

2011-12-16T09:51:00.001+08:00

somehow i was directed to some posts back in 2005 and 06. gosh, i hate the way i used to speak. so pretentious and full of idiotic thoughts. i really used to talk abt study all the time. no wonder my studies were good back then,.

glad i grow up. but sad that i didn't turn out to the person i wanted to be. on some level, i have nv grown. i just evolved... like survival for the fittest. i just get used to the facts abt myself and stopped pushing.

i should really find my idiotic courage back. the courage and ambition that used to make me so hardworking.

and surprisingly, seems like i am always a sad person even i am always so so so bubbly. what a weirdo

arh! the pressure of living alone

2011-12-16T04:07:00.002+08:00

i am actually relieved that my landlord agrees to let me stay here until i go off. it's fun to live with my friend, but i so so so do not want to disturb...

and my financial situation is in a mess. i just deposited 400 into my LCL, but after paying off all debt and now im in debt once again. i dun even know how it happened... really need to cut down on my spending. so i guess italy trip is really off the table... and no more restaurant.

i really need to take note in all my financial transactions. the other day my roomate gave me 50 to pay electricity bill. my landlord asked me to pay her later so i forgot if i returned the money to my roomie or not... shit me... and i still owe aolong money. and my electricity and phone bill is like 150 in total...

can't wait to go back to work my ass off and get money in for a change!

started planning

2011-12-15T22:24:00.000+08:00

i am gonna be stunning. so i dun eat carbo and im losing weight

i have planned out my schedule for today last night. and the diet also started... and now i alr have cravings for food like flan and chocolate... omg. i didn't know im a such dessert addict. i cannot eat this kind of thing. i have already finished today's food quota, so no more food for me for today. i will stick to it and i wanna my weight start with 4!!! let's do it

and my new inspiration is makiyo... she is stunning with big boobs. hahhaha

。

2011-12-15T08:08:00.001+08:00

我在考虑要不要去意大利，既然旅游对我的意义仅限于人而非物，我是不是应该等到对的人？不过意大利也没什么非凡的意义。那么大回事的巴黎也一个人承受过了，也没有什么承受不起的了。旅游，长胖又累，还不如算了。很多事情，一个人叫做承受，两个人就叫做享受。

我又回到了泡天涯时尚的日子，似乎这样更能确认短期的航道。例如减肥，例如护肤，例如穿衣服。不用太纠结生活里面我想控制却经常无法控制的事情。谁又给我讲了最近他男友怎样，谁又和谁勾搭上了。。。各种残忍的现实我都欣然的congratulation. 只是有时候讲的我自己都不相信，如果是电视或电影，女配角定然会眼角含着泪，各种深情凝视，各种哽咽凝咽。不过现实生活中谁tmd那么drama。还是那句话说的好，不喜欢？出门转左不送。

女生嘛，还是要有各种魄力的好，为人不能太善良，心要狠一点，对自己外在要狠，内心要软，对别人外在要软，内心要狠，这才是王道。别像现在一样，深怕伤到谁谁谁，然后把自己天天凌迟。这样下去，迟早崩塌。

不是说要减肥才能配的上任何人，减肥是为了自己，结局要是风光的, 过程也不能戳。其实说白了，人生不过为了impress其他人以及让自己不空虚，如果每天能够做好自己应该做的，坚持应该坚持的，那就行了。

航道要直回来

一直在路上

2011-12-14T21:56:00.002+08:00

看了无数攻略，这个叫蔚蓝海岸的旅行，虽然没有游遍整个法国南部，再加上是旅游淡季，所以选择性的去了一些地方。反正五天下来，不紧不慢，严格说来只有四天，最后一天没做什么事情，游的好也休息的好，睡得比在巴黎多，除了中间有一天失眠外。

去了马赛，戛纳，尼斯，摩纳哥，格拉斯，和eze village。最后一秒plan的确实挺乱的，我也不是旅游的老手，所以兵荒马乱的，把所有的东西都丢进iphone就上路了，酒店也只是抄了个地址。其实旅游完发现，确实攻略必不可少，但随性也很重要，不用所有的东西细到转左转右都要记录下来。交通这回事事先有个线路和车站就行。地图当地再拿。不过不会读地图这件事，还真是需要训练一下比较好。

怎么说这次旅行呢？也没有情绪，没有惊险，不像上次去巴塞罗那那样有目的性，或许旅游就应该是这样，不报什么希望的去，若有似无的回，沿途的风景，见过看过惊叹过享受过也就可以了。或许我这人没什么追求，所以很多地方也没有什么非看不可的欲望。对我来说，旅游，风景其次，和谁去才是最重要。

第一天，马赛，怎么说呢？乱，然后一点都没有法国的感觉。他们的圣诞集市也没什么特别的地方。满山寨的一个地方。其实在我们去之前，马赛连续发生了两次AKxx的枪击案，所以蛮危险的。这个城市移民很多，人也长的普通，穿着普通，没看到什么cafe，麦当劳像80年代的装潢。那个fish market还挺有意思的，像是外国的感觉。不过冬天家，没什么人在卖。或许我们去的太晚了。马赛的男人真tmd好色，走在路上不断被迎面来的人行注目礼加调戏，害到yudian觉得和我出来旅游非常危险。呵呵。马赛鱼汤也太贵了。所以就没吃，不过我们居然去吃一个中东餐厅，来了一盆肉，我的妈呀。而且这个再次深入我对羊肉的讨厌之情。当天晚上我们尝试找酒店，不过都很贵，于是按着我抄的地址，找到一个不错的地方，没有单间只有hostel，而且只有两张床，所以趁着有wifi，我们把接下来几天的大本营找到。

第二天一大早就坐火车去了戛纳。戛纳，这个是我梦想了很久的地方，电影节，纵横四海，其实他的足印很多的。确实也是非常漂亮的海滨小城，人都很有气质，穿着都很考究。毕竟事冬天，沙滩空空旷旷的，和之前去的其他沙滩没什么不同。他应该很爱这个城市，毕竟是非常有气质的地方。在戛纳，我也吃到了最好吃的pinini

离开戛纳，我们按计划坐bus去了grasse。其实相比豪华的城市，我可能更爱小镇一点。感觉比较真切。虽然是香水小镇，却也没什么香水感觉，没看到花，没闻到花香，不过他们的香水博物馆是真的很好，很interactive，不过没经过加工的香水闻起来真的很恐怖。

接下来我们就坐bus去了nice，还满脏的一个城市，不过很繁华，满可爱的

摩纳哥，我的妈呀，也太有钱了吧！！！到处都是跑车，还看到三个形迹可疑的中国人，绝对大款，被两个外国人毕恭毕敬的捧着，到处看停着的跑车，也不知道他们想干嘛。我好想傍大款！！！

eze是一个典型的tourist小镇。很artificial，但也artificial的非常好看。

我的巴黎exchange就快结束了，我还有一个心愿。希望能够达成。

Travelling

2011-12-13T04:33:00.001+08:00

The more I travel the more I realize that it's not only the place u travel. It's who u r with...

same thing different perception

2011-12-08T11:48:00.001+08:00

i am gonna be stunning. so i dun eat carbo and im losing weight

THIS IS A VERY INSPIRING STORY

说说今天发生的一些事吧。
　　
　　今天的事情很神奇，如果以悲观的角度来写，我今天真的很倒霉；但以乐观的角度来说，我又很幸运。让我用两个不同的角度来说说今天的事情吧。
　　
　　--------------悲观日记的分界线------------------------
　　今天真是倒霉透顶了。
　　因为要去另一个城市面试，我早上六点就不得不起床，冒着寒风赶去搭火车。一开始走得太慢了，结果到后面20分钟，不得不跑着赶去火车站。离开车时间还有五分钟的时候我还在排队取票，偏偏轮到我的时候取票机出了故障，急得我浑身都冒冷汗。后来我硬是不顾白眼，插队使用了另一台取票机，在最后一秒才赶上火车。本来我预先申请了预留座位，可是上车一看，有个印度女人坐在我的位子上睡觉。我又不好把她叫醒，只好另外找了个很差的位子坐。
　　去到面试的那个城市，除了火车站才发现从火车站到市中心的路封了，唯一的一路巴士也停止了运营。我不得不打电话叫的士来接我，可是在寒风中等了十几分钟，预订的的士还是没来。眼看我的面试要迟到了，我发现路边有另一台的士停在那里等客人，所以就过去和他讲价钱。正准备打电话去取消预订的的士，那部预订的车却又出现了，结果我只好又放了谈好价钱的司机的鸽子，在他愤愤不平的目光下上了另一台的士。
　　面试完出来，我亲自跑到的士站打的回火车站。结果那里的的士开价比我来的时候的价钱贵一倍！有个胖司机竟然开了个两倍的价钱，而且我试图讲价的时候他的态度非常恶劣。我生气极了，下了车，用力地把他的车门关上，结果一不小心把拇指夹在车门的门缝里。拔出来一看，整个指头都青了，疼得我眼泪直流。
　　后来我走了很远很远的路去了游客信息中心，咨询了那里的工作人员之后我才发现原来去火车站的巴士线路并没有停开，只是改了线路。我在他们的指导下去了最近的一个巴士站，等了半个多小时才有车来。去到火车站的时候我又差点赶不上火车。
　　这真是倒霉的一天。
　　
　　------------乐观日记的分界线---------------------------
　　今天我的运气不错。
　　因为早上六点就要起来去面试，我昨晚9点就睡觉了，出乎意料地，我躺下就马上睡着，并没有花时间数绵羊。早上起来的时候觉得精神还不错，出门之后我还东张西望地看清晨的风景，并没有应试的紧张。本来以为很快能走到火车站，结果后来还是要用跑的。幸运的是即使取票的机器有了些小故障，我还是顺利地坐上了预订的火车。预订的座位被一个印度女人坐了，我只好换到另一个位子。那个位子不是单座，可是对面是个长得还不错的男人，这也是另一种缘分吧。
　　下了火车之后我发现火车站到市中心的巴士停驶了，我只好又返回车站里问的士的电话。因为这样和一个香港来的年轻人攀谈了几句，大家都是身在异乡，很有点他乡遇故知的感觉。眼看面试要迟到，我本来想舍弃预订的的士而搭另一部等在路边的的士，但最后一秒，预订的车来了。上了预订的车之后我才发现预订的的士比路边那个的费用要少1镑，而且预订的车是女司机，我坐得更放心了。
　　面试之后我本来想再坐的士回火车站。结果找到的的士都要价太高，我实在不想太吃亏。反正时间很充裕，我便跑到信息中心，发现原来巴士并没有停驶。最后我只花了5分之一的钱就回到了火车站。但我并不后悔搭了的士去市中心，因为如果没有那个的士司机，我可能根本找不到要面试的公司，几乎肯定是会迟到。
　　火车站风很大，我该庆幸自己花了不少时间找去火车站的巴士，否则在那里等半个小时的火车会是很痛苦的。
　　
　　--------------------------------------------
　　同样的一天，同样的事情。第一篇日记是我冲上回来的火车之前的心情，而第二篇是我在回来的火车上，平复下来之后的心情。唯一真正倒霉的事件是我被夹伤了手指，可是为什么我会被夹伤？呵呵，很好笑的，因为当时我觉得自己很倒霉……
　　
　　生活就是这样，你如果觉得自己倒霉，你便很倒霉。

i'm stepping out again, to win!

2011-12-08T09:38:00.001+08:00

渐渐有回到正轨的感觉，虽然事情并没有按我预料中的发生，但已经是一个很圆满的结局，当然很多事是正在进行的，所以不需要结局。我只需要变得对现状里的别人满足，其他的我要认真的改变。从根做起

我已经不敢对自己有任何的承诺，因为我怕自己的脆弱又造成失败，又造成需要很久来挽回的烂摊子。但是我对自己的现状仍旧非常不满意，既要不满意，又要开心，当然只有两个途径，要么改变心态，要么改变自己。因为我这人对外表十分看重，要我改变心态应该是不可能了，那就要改变自己了。

就从这一秒开始。。。

http://www.tianya.cn/publicforum/content/no11/1/892196.shtml

这是一个很好的帖子，按照她写的，一步一步做。

还有，减肥 is back on the table!

Happiness from within

2011-12-06T21:49:00.001+08:00

I was upset for the whole week. And in a serious denial mode as well. As a result, I have been sleeping way too much this week. And pushed all my works to Sunday when all my deadlines are on Monday. But still, even on Sunday, I couldn't be as efficient as I used to be. Basically I only slept for an hr last night.

Today is my exam day for political paper. Hope I passed. I kinda fall sick on sunday night, with inflamed throat and headache. but i pulled everything through anyway. slept in the afternoon to catch up on my energy, cos i still have a big party at night

Soirée de Noël au Paris Bodega - les Boules de Noël !

as usual, we all know sp party suck. so it's a must to get pre-drunk. it's like an obligation... i was ready to rock and roll. but something happened, fiona couldn't be there, hope she get out of the dark hole soon. and xiongyi was still working on the paper. but aolong and i had fun but im the only one drinkin.

the party was ok at first. but i feel so relaxed cos of the drinking, and drinking kinda made my flu go away for a little while. i was more conscious at the party compared to haloween. the music suck as usual, but other than that, i had pretty good time. xiongyi left early, he was kinda sad when he left. but we continued party till there were only few left.

the highlight wasn't the party though, it was after the party. at 4ish. we went out and ready to head home. since both of us weren't tired, we decided to have a walk. OMG! I ALWAYS KNOW PARIS IS BEAUTIFUL, BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT IT TO BE THAT BEAUTIFUL!!!

it is so tranquil... all the middle age buildings, you really couldn't tell what era you are in. paris in the day time, is crowded and a bit unsafe to a certain sense, but when there is no one on the road, all the lights shine right into your eyes. the soft yellow glow makes a bitter winter night warm and contented.

contented, that's the word. i have been demanding, both with myself and with friend, for a certain period of time now. this has seriously diminished my capacity for happiness. when someone decides how bad or how good you feel, your world loses its intrinsic meaning. i struggled a lot during that time. demanding and caring way too much, and always get indifference in return. expectation doesn't match with reality. it could be easy if i am zen. but somehow, i was the crazy me back then, the possessive me. 人太终于感觉，就难好好思考. 而且喜欢一个人以后的卑微，渺小到让我自己也难以接受。

if without the contented and happiness from within, i would not be so sure that i had finally let it go. it was quite a journey, no matter worth it or not, i had known more abt my dark side.

pathetic

2011-12-06T03:23:00.001+08:00

【金牛座的“三分钟热度”】1、会很快对某人产生好感；2、产生好感后会自动产生放大效应，装作很喜欢很认真或者很悲情；3、对方太冷会失落，对方太热会不稀罕；4、即使热度刚好，时间长了也会腻；5、心中响起这么个觉醒的声音：原来我没那么喜欢TA啊；6、闪人。

first party in december

2011-12-03T19:36:00.001+08:00

i was reluctant and struggled a little about going to pat's party yesterday. cos i was so behind schedule in finishing my paper. i only started doing the damn paper at like 4pm, and went out at 10... the party was more fun than i thought. met another guy. but again, he is gay... what's wrong with paris? i doubt are there any straight ones here... pat is expert on wine, all her wine tastes so so so so good!!! we had champagne, sparkling white, white, and red wine. i brought some desperado. so we are loaded with alcohol!!! haha. she even cooked tom yum soup for me! good thing that i pushed myself to the party! cos that is my december resolution! i need to say yes to all the outing, gathering and partying! it will be the last month here. so i have to enjoy it.

at first aolong wasnt going, but since the party only ends at 5, i convinced him to come. and then it turned out xiongyi was at the neighbourhood as well. things have strange ways of working around, so he came to the party at 3sth as well. it was fun but then everyone became so tired. so the party kinda turned into everyone plays with their phone kinda thing.

and today i have to finish my both papers no matter what! i have to finish them so tmr i can have enough time to study for political thing! and tmr need to register for the course.

i have to jiayou! on everything :)

CLOSURE

2011-12-02T09:00:00.001+08:00

this is the last post i will ever write abt my stupid emotional crap. it's all over, all the drama hurt crap is over. now i have to be more spontaneous and just enjoy my life!

and i deleted all damn pathetic post from my fb. i need to be bubbly again!

while i was deleting posts in fb, i realized how fast everything is for the 2 months. all of our gang just started at the end of sept, and it moved like a speed train. now the train has absolutely crashed and burnt, maybe i regretted to make things out of control. but i am so glad it happened anw, cos this is life. we dunno what would happen, and when it happens and blows all of us away. what an experience!!!

huh

2011-12-01T22:13:00.001+08:00

今天不知道怎么搞的，听的歌词全都能感同身受，看来老天爷也看不下去了。
长信不如短讯：
誰對我差得我甘心認輸
當你　大概好友亦不如
而你敢勾引我稱呼傻豬
我憤怒過轉眼又寬恕

洁身自爱：
求你不要迷恋悲哀
示威怎逼到对方示爱
你好我好
你改我改
请勿忘记
软弱只会惹人感慨

给自己的情书
自己都不爱怎么相爱
你要强壮到底再去替对方设想
抛得开手里玩具先懂得好好进睡

HAPPY DECEMBER!

2011-12-01T18:10:00.001+08:00

november has been a dramatic month. too many lows and also some highs. went to barcelona. got really drunk. and it ended in a really bad way when i thought everything was better. that is always the thing. when you care about somebody too much, you are destined to get hurt. so, the only thing i can do is to remind myself care less each day.

anw, it's already december! it's a month of happiness. everything will look better under christmas light. i want paris to snow. i want paris to snow and be the most romantic. i want a person who deserves my attention to show up

i think the negative entries may really be blocking my happiness. if i concentrate nothing but the pathetic affairs i have, i am destined to spend the last month is gloomy mood. so i have to be happy! i have to be loose! i have to be less concerned abt others and care more for myself!!!

i have to make this month spectacular! it's December! it's paris!!! it's me!!! i am the happiest person I have ever seen! no one can take the smile off my face!

你父母把你捧在手心里爱了大半辈子，是指望你卑微的等谁来喜欢你么？

.....

2011-11-30T20:18:00.001+08:00

其实我早就该整理一下这些有完没完的东西了。天天陷在里面像神经病一样。aolong也说了，都23岁的人了，这些小事都还放不下是要怎样？！

“在修煉的道路上，我總是不停在斬斷自己那些“無用”的鬚，不去感受那些不小心引發的心情，或至少學會把那些不必要的情緒縮小到不需要”發聲“ ”

从什么时候变成了一只章鱼，对周围的一切频率都吸收得太多，像垃圾一样吸收了就出不来了。也不知道什么时候丧失的大哭的本领，或许事态太过清淡所以连哭也不用。感情这个东西，说白了，谁在乎谁倒霉。为什么有时候就这么想找人讲讲其他的人的坏话，然后讲出来后发现自己已经不在意了，是好是坏都不在意了。然后回家又想又想，又变得很在乎。

现在的心态是十分恐怖的，这样下去会出事，居然现在贱到需要在街上随便勾搭个人来证明自己的存在意义。不是很骄傲很清高的人吗？何必要作贱。想到就有一阵恶心感。是，期待所有的躯体之间的近距离，但不能是随意的躯体。如果这样，只是留恋一些温暖的话，那不如直接搬进一间有暖气的房间。或者回到热带，何必呢？去非洲啊

为什么不能像christina yang一样，tug all the emotions neatly away, i need to live a real life. not an emotional swamp. enjoy my life is the most important

What kind of girl am I

2011-11-30T08:43:00.001+08:00

1. I laugh and smile and make joke of everything
2. Bubbly
3. I love only small amount of friends. And I stay loyal once i confirmed u as friends
4. I dun make friends easily. But if I do, I will be friends with them forever. And they can count on me forever
5. I always think abt others first if I like them
6. I say sorry even if I was hurt, cos I wanna stay as friends
7. I tend swallow all sadness and kept them to myself
8. Happy me is just the outside me
9. I have taken 5 yrs to get over a guy
10. All my feelings are intense although I'm also indifferent sometimes
11. Im a bad daughter
12. I'm a good friend

So why can't I be treated with love?

whatever

2011-11-30T08:01:00.001+08:00

life is so full of surprises. both good and bad

i went out for a walk at night, all alone. i was sad cos my friend stood me up. i was so sad that i was crying. bought a beer and a sandwich and walked really slow. it was freezing outside. food made me feel better, then there was a huge christmas tree in front of notre dame. it doesn't match. i walked further. and the most romantic and maybe the most horrible thing happened...

an italian guy from rome came to chat and walk with me. he's good looking? haha. anw we walked along la seine, and talked abt art and life. he taught me how to speak italian and the importance of coffee. c'est la vie, he kept on mentioning it. he read poem to me although i didnt understand a single word. but italian sounds really nice. and he also sang some love song... and he kissed me... omg. yea, he is a stranger and yea, he is a stranger and yea, he is a stranger. he kissed me on the cheeks and my ear, and i let him... i dun even know why i did that. i was out of my mind. all his sweet gestures dun really move me. im just being sad for too long, and kind of pathetic, and i guess that's why i didn't push him away and left. he touched my hair, and looked at me with deep brown eyes. it's hard not to melt. but obviously, im more like a stone than i thought. i wasn't moved at all. he went for my lips and that's when i pushed him away and told him i have a boyfriend. he didn't give up. we chatted longer and he tried to kiss me again. he's an artist, a painter, watercolour, loves sepia. moved from rome to paris in may. wanted to live in bordeaux. love expresso in the morning. and believes life is interesting because of all the sadness. he asked me if im a pessimist or optimist, really funny i just thought of that today. so i told him i hate to put people into small boxes. he said im really cool. he didnt say u r pretty or gorgeous or anything, cos let's face it, i wear no makeup and a ugly specs with no heels today. he said he loves my smile. i did laugh a lot when i was chatting with him. that made me forget the whole incident happened today. so we chatted even more and he kissed me even more. i still pushed him away. then he is nice enough to let me go. and send me to the place i wanna go. there were more things happened. i just dun feel like talking now

i think there are definitely causality effect b/w these 2 incidents. first one made me so sad. i hate it when im just a trash to other ppl, especially those i care damn much. so it's nice when someone offer their hugs. and he isnt that kind of horny person. we talked abt life for god's sake. and we chatted for over an hr.

i think it could turn into something meaningful. but i really dun feel that attracted. but damn italians are passionate. they would be the best lovers. but my friend kinda screwed me really bad. im in such a bad shape now i need to pull myself tgt through sleeping...

for time and time again, i kept on asking myself, why do i care so fucking much? if i can't get back the kind of attention i gave, then why bother? i deserve so much better than that. this is probably the worst relationship experience i had in years. now i feel dead. it's a good thing i think. at least im not sad

rough patch, sweet road

2011-11-30T02:29:00.001+08:00

i have so many papers and exams lining up. it's kind of tiring, but what's more tiring is that i am conscious of the ticking clock every second. saying goodbye to paris, saying goodbye to my friends, it's just hard to bear. i have been through so much emotionally, mainly in the past month, but i got over it, and maybe finally starting to enjoy it, and everything is coming to an end...

i think i maybe a pessimist after all. or a pessimist hiding under a very optimistic face.

其实感情不都是这样

2011-11-28T08:03:00.001+08:00

这几个月过得像一场梦，认识了想不到可以如此投契的朋友，分享了想不到的各种故事。现在患得患失，怕还剩下的一个多月过得太快，恨不得任何时候都和朋友呆在一起。我想自己的交换应该和大家很不一样吧。并没有去很多地方旅游，并没有吃很多所谓的异国食物，就是一群中国人吃着中国菜说着中国话，这并不是需要在法国进行的活动，在别人眼里看来也十分愚蠢，甚至嘲笑。但故事主角是我，我决定这段经验是否值得。有所得有所失，在这几个月里我达到了多快乐，就跌到过多难过，跌宕起伏的好像刻骨铭心，其实也无关紧要，体会了一些情感，收获了一些感情，大起大幅后也是照样过日子，并没有留下任何伤疤，都是美好的回忆。自己把自己关在小房间里发了不久的疯，然后把这一系列奇妙的情感都留在了巴塞罗那。

或许别人的欧洲生活是异国风情浓厚的，是与来自各种奇怪地方的人类交流。我不是没有试过，就是因为不尽兴所以不留恋，朋友是要能打要能闹要能讲各式各样下流的东西的，不是礼貌的寒暄，所以这块，失去了也不可惜。

没有怎么去旅游。原因是不想一个人。或许又是给自己找的理由，退缩的借口，但我不想当我看到任何值得感动的景物，想向四周分享时，却没有一个笑容或者一个拥抱。我承认自己胆小，或许也没我想象的那么独立，我只是想当我大笑时，旁边也是笑声，而不是自己的回音。

是一个自我探索的旅程。在这四个月之内我看到了自己的各种面。来自与人相处的，来自感情的，来自占有欲的，还有其他很多。

确实没有过到十分法式的生活，最伤心的其实还是在那么浪漫的国家，没有人可以一起练习拥吻，现在已经不敢多想，没有合适的人，想再多也是在伤神。就算把几米的话当成咒语念的日子还历历在目，是寂寞和空虚堆积出来的所谓痛彻心扉，其实真的无关痛痒，谁没爱上过几个错的人，更何况连眼泪都没掉过几次的感情又怎么能叫爱。是化学反应，是当空虚碰到了看似能填补空虚的物体，便对其产生的渴望，那其实并不是真的感情。

收获友情已经最重要，我已经不敢再妄想太多。当我在笑，而周围有我想见到的人时，就够了。

这段时间从未像我梦想一般的度过，我的梦里是只有爱情的，现在却让我得到两个男人的友情，我还要奢望什么呢？就算在ktv会被突然飘来的情歌呛得眼泪都要留下来，那也只是感情除了界而需要偿还的东西。然后也学会了有些事有些人真的不是在掌控之内的，而且也是你不忍心要去掌控的。

以前还太幼稚，觉得来到巴黎，一切就会不一样，觉得外界会影响到一个人的境遇，一个人的顺应方式，其实在哪儿都一样，都是自己和自己过，“我”才是自己宇宙的中心，于是我决定浪漫，周围就浪漫，不是要到eiffel才会浪漫，我决定凄凉，在eiffel下也能凄凉。我去过eiffel四次，一次和无关紧要的人，一次和gang去picnic，一次和xiongyi去散步，一次和fiona和xiongyi去准备坐船。我也见识过完全熄灯的eiffel，一栋钢铁的阴森的建筑。

这个星期做了我来巴黎最浪漫的事，幸福就是来的那么无可预兆。走着走着就来到圣诞市场，吃到最好吃的东西，走着走着就到了摩天轮的脚下，然后巴黎就被我们收在了眼底。这是所有浪漫的mv，电影会出现的场景。虽然不是甜蜜的度过，而是怕整个车厢被风吹走的神经质中度过，但仍然历历在目。

还有一个多月，我要把每一秒都记录下来。这会是我一辈子的解药。

多谢失恋

2011-11-28T04:15:00.001+08:00

it's in my memory for so long. and it taught me so many things.

笑我这个毫无办法管住的野孩子，连没有幸福也不介意

KKK

2011-11-27T09:59:00.001+08:00

went for k tonight. i was so bitchy last time, so i kinda behaved myself tonight. yea, gold medal for me. and of course, there is really nothing to be bitchy about. we had a fun time! and before going k we went out shopping. omg! those 2 guys really know how to shop! but seems like my sole purpose of going A&F is to see hot guys and take photo with them. seriously, marketing is the most important tool in doing business. it brands normal design cloth into something fancy.

oh yea, speaking of bitchy. i was completely normal tonight. yay. not that i pretended anything, it was really nothing. dunno what was wrong with me on the other day. tonight is then my normal self. gosh, i still can't believe how i behaved the other night

i looked thru my posts from october, the first guy i had a crush on only lasted for like a wk. haha. it was nothing. so in total, i had crush on 2 ppl after i came to paris. haha. quite efficient i think. lol.

and i should start spending less. oh yea, i really wanna live alone

beautiful bliss

2011-11-26T19:38:00.001+08:00

things have been going very well lately. enjoying everything happening with me and around me. the christmas market is such a WOW! this is the first time i have been to the christmas market. and it just blows me away. everything seemed so happy and dreamy. there is no snow here, but it's still cold enough to make u enjoy all the hot food! and i had the best kabak! it's like 烧烤～ and the guys selling them are extremely hot!

it has been a hectic week for me again... and since i bought navigo, i just love to go out. on monday, our gang meet up for lunch after political class. we ate at the same szechuan restaurant. then we went to buy beaujolais nouveau. here is a little history about the wine. At one past midnight on the third Thursday of each November, from little villages and towns like Romanèche-Thorins, over a million cases of Beaujolais Nouveau begin their journey through a sleeping France to Paris for immediate shipment to all parts of the world. Banners proclaim the good news: Le Beaujolais Nouveau est arrivé! "The New Beaujolais has arrived!" One of the most frivolous and animated rituals in the wine world has begun.

anw, we drank the wine and some desperado. desperado is a really nice flavored beer. and we ate 旺旺大礼包, haha. 浪味仙 does bring out the sweetest memory. then i was too tired to go for lesson, so i skipped.

there is nothing special on tuesday. i skipped both lessons. oh, i remembered, i think it was a sad day. i've mentioned that before

wednesday, went to ofii to get my medical appointment. it was easy. with loads of flirtatious smiles. haha. oh, yea, and went to school orchestra, cos someone wants to see someone. lol

thursday, thanksgiving. i didn't know that until afternoon. had lessons in the morning. and our gang studied at the library in the afternoon. went back home and thought of turkey or chicken and why is it so fucking cold. and xiongyi called said there is a thanksgiving dinner in school. i happily joined, but the turkey really sucked. all SP parties suck! and then 3 of us went to get pre-drunk to get ready for the LGBT party. it's such a good idea to get drunk before going to SP party. cos u have to be drunk to appreciate SP party.

the night was a blast! we bought beaujolais nouveau and desperado and drank them beside la seine. those wines 后劲超强，i felt nothing at first. and once i stood up, everything starts to get floaty. haha. xiongyi was really drunk. he started to get screamy, really cute! fiona was the only normal one i guess. by the time we reached the party, things are already getting very pretty to me. it's funny how there is special lighting around ppl u see when u r drunk. so things get really really pretty, and i was so damn happy! and xiongyi too, he was smiling so much! haha!!!

i know i should probably stop drinking when i get to the bar. cos when we walked down the stairs to the dungeon, i seriously couldnt walk properly. i can see everything and hear everything but somehow my arms and legs are no longer coordinated. there are many hot guys in the party, sad that they are gay. but one thing is really true, gays love to chat with girls. haha. and since i was drunk, i was so relax. and it's so easy to chat with people when u r drunk. it's so happy. people are all so fun. but i really think xiongyi got little too carried away. lol.

anw, i ordered another cup of vodka with lemonade. and things get really twisty after that. haha. actually i am a real hugger after getting drunk. but since im still very conscious, i didnt hug anyone. sad face... i know i can trust my friends who will make sure im safe, so i just let myself get drunk and get carried away. i did nothing inappropriate. haha. and xiongyi bought a little rose for me :)) so happy. but i dunno where is it now. either i left it in the cab or at xiongyi's house.

it's sad that people left at like only 1... it's only 1!!! i wanted to party till morning!!! sad sad!!! since it was really late, we got on a cab and head to each others' home. but i dun wanna go home! so xiongyi offered me to stay at his place. i was much sober later on. and the nx morning i was returned home at 10. took a shower and went for wine tasting.

friday, still hung over but went to the wine tasting, salon des vins. it's the largest event in france for wines. all vineyards owners are there selling their wine. i saw many many old people shop for christmas wines. some of the wines we tasted was really aromatic!!! the love of my life wine is sauternes!!! it smelled really floral and lychee, and it's really sweet! i love sweet wines! it's sad that all sauternes are really expensive. so i ended up buying a less aromatic but really special wine! it's a sparkling white wine! and i also love alsace wine, gewurztrarnier, and pinot gris! pinot gris has the dry fruits smell and it's vendanges tardives (late harvest), so it's really sweet! i got tipsy twice on friday. after first round of wine tasting, i can feel my head going giddy. so we went for a sandwich, and continued after that. by the time we left, i was really tired and sleepy and tipsy. i dun have the highest alcohol level as my friends, but im the most tipsy one. after i got home, i changed and retouched my makeup and went out again! champs elysees baby!!! we wanted to see the christmas lighting, but we ended up visiting the christmas market! it was such a bliss! all the decorations and warm food! and with aolong and xiongyi~ we walked to 摩天轮，and we took a ride !!!!!!! omg!!!! so pretty! im going to remember the night!!!!

focus

2011-11-25T00:53:00.001+08:00

i couldnt focus on studying, nor sleeping, nor anything else. so i must focus on my diet.
breakfast: apple, yoghurt and soymilk
lunch: tuna salad, coffee
dinner: yoghurt, soy milk

and im going out drinking later, must have fun!

was listening to this while walking home just now. suddenly my tears flow out so fast that i dun even realize. im such a mess these few days.

crap

2011-11-24T23:14:00.001+08:00

i dun wanna go home

i dun wanna stay in school

maybe i wanna go back now...

but i dun even like singapore

still a rollercoaster mess

2011-11-23T06:40:00.001+08:00

ok, i thought im calm and ok and all other bullshit. but today i was a mess again. had a emo trauma in the library. and suddenly, all the studies, papers, and deadlines meant nothing. woosh, i thought im too old for this kinda drama, but obviously, my heart decides to stay young.

was being asked the most embarrassing question during the café today, 'which is sadder, to fall for a ugly straight guy or a good looking gay?' how can i ever going to respond to this? my heart chose one thing and my brain chose another. of course a sensible wise person will choose the straight one, but the real situation always differ... and that's why sometimes i find myself stuck in this dark abyss all by myself.

nah, im being dramatic again. no big deal. i really enjoyed dinner today. at least i wasn't alone...

ALL PARIS. ALL HAPPINESS

2011-11-22T07:03:00.001+08:00

it amazes me how much contradictions i have as a being. i'm always an independent and confident person, yet i am so dependent and extremely insecure sometimes. this happens all together, like a buy-one-get-one-free deal. i hate this kind of me. and seems like i experience this whenever i get emotionally attached to someone... anw, real or fictional, i always have to deposit my excess love on someone from time to time. i can't stand myself feeling nothing or empty. so that explains a lot of crazy infatuation over the years. but i have also found my faith in these affections.

reading eat, pray, love now. amazing book. i am reading it like a text book.

i love writing on my blog. it wouldn't bother anyone and it gives me a chance to straighten up my ever-so-messy thoughts.

my emotions are like a train wreck since the beginning of november. it goes in every direction and it hurts me in every possible way. now i had swept them neatly away. i just have to stay this way till i get back to singapore.

it's been a meaningful journey. and maybe i'm too greedy wanting so many things to happen. but i'm still young, everyday is a brand new opportunity. have to seize it :) it's a pity i couldn't stay with my gang for a longer time, we just don't have enough time to get closer. as in mentally...

ALL THESE PHOTOS HAVE SPECIAL MEANINGS TO ME... it may not be the prettiest, but damn, i love them all...

fabulous!

2011-11-22T05:18:00.001+08:00

i had an epiphany while watching eat pray love yesterday... it was so inspiring. the journey of life, romance and soul searching. it's a great movie. and im gonna finish the book by this week. i'm going to learn so much from it. i love the part that she is in italy. the way she learns everything, the language, the culture, she visits monuments, eats italian food, hang out with friends... i love this kind of life. how should i put this. i know im in paris now, but seems like i can't enjoy the beauty of the city with my naked eye. i need music, food, and better if i have movies. with the combination of music and movie, it makes the exotic foreign country comes alive. how ironic. when we should be experiencing everything with our own being, we have to take a step back, sink into the background and view it from afar. it's the combination of real and unreal. it's surreal.

since i really can't take several things in my life anymore. i have to take control of my feelings. i have to make myself happy. this week, i am going to travel a lot in paris. since i bought navigo, i must make good use of it. there is a wine tasting event on friday, so i definitely will be there. wednesday probably go out with my gang. i have a mock exam and a presentation on nx tuesday and 2 papers due on nx nx monday and a final exam on nx nx monday. so it's pretty hectic for me. but since i have so little time left in paris, i have to enjoy! which means i have to travel a lot and study a lot... hope that i can finish my wine paper research tmr. and occupy the stupid offi office tmr as well!

and i have to go to italy, even if it means i have to travel alone! sometimes life is all about taking adventures. i can't just wait for someone to travel with me. i have to make it happen.

and i have bought lots of health supplements from supermarket today. soya bean milk power, walnut power and sesame powder. so it's a beauty cleansing for me as well. from tmr onwards, im going to start my 3 day apple diet. i eat nothing but apples. since it's only for 3 days, i am going to survive it. and after that, i'm gonna start on the no carbo diet again...

so there are lots of things happening this week.
1. finish studying for my macro and prepare for my mock exam
2. diet
3. travel and visit all museums
4. enjoy :)

oh, life is fun if i look at it this way :) seriously, take control then let go.

it's kinda dreamy, only it is not

2011-11-21T05:55:00.001+08:00

have been stuck in my little cosmic world lately, not looking at the real world. so here i am, very eager to come back in my real life. barcelona is over, paris again. im living in a life of dreams, let's make it worth while.

anw, yudian and i were chatting a lot. it made me remember how hopeful i was before i come to paris. i told her that "this is going to change our lives". i was so passionate and hopeful then. i had a vision. i had control over everything. although so many things happened before i came to paris, i never doubted the kind of experience i would have in these 5 months. i know now more than half of the time is passed. and my dream of changing my life has not even started

i told her the reason i didn't want to travel so much is that i couldn't find the right person. that was actually why i held back my travel plans for fall break. i didn't want to backpack alone, i didn't want to travel with any other people other than my paris gang. that was nv my plan. i was too naive, or too unrealistic. my plan had always been fall in love in september, crazy over each other in october, hence the travelling, stay together in november, and study together in december. none of it has happened.i guess it's just 缘分未到。and hence none of my paris gang wanna travel in the end, i stayed all alone at home. with all other emo crap i was going thru. so that was my paris low. haha

well, since my plan hasn't worked out at all. so now i give up on planning. should just focus on everything that is happening now. and no thinking about the future. the devastating go back to my singapore life future...

oh, im gonna miss paris so so much.

oh yea, so yudian and i were chatting. and we kinda analysed all my past relationships. im really intense on my feelings. it's hard to get me to fall for someone, but once i fall, it's like a train wreck, i get 100% involved. and my eyes shall nv take in another person until one day i decide to get bored and the feeling can disappear in a very short while. im so intense in my friendships and my lovers. maybe this is a lot for people who are at the receiving ends of it. maybe i should learn to protect myself even more, to lift up my guard and be cool about everything. this is why my past relationships never worked out... cos i like some guys, i went out, and over a period of time, i will no longer be interested. and things could just turn into total indifferent or intolerable in a week's time... why do i have to be such a drama queen...

this is the song i suddenly remembered. sort of my anthem for my first love. while waiting for my current affection to fade away, i could use some moral toughness.

回頭是場空　大地回冬
初分手數天　總會痛
仍然在途中　只好相信　雨過後有彩虹
曾落空　先知我　因為愛　曾經多英勇
曾為愛上你面紅　夠我閉上大門　在慶功

＊全靠當天喜歡過錯的人
　今天先會自我解窘
　明白小小的失戀不害人
　更加添我成熟感

　無法一起都總算愛過些人
　借過你體溫　練習擁吻
　留下你合照細望　才知道
　我跟他人更合襯＊

從前學園中　自命情種
一出手　愛得比較重
來年換時空　應該長進　再愛定更寬容
曾撞板　先知我　因為愛　曾經多失控
回望過去也面紅　愛上你似漫遊　外太空

REPEAT＊

全靠當天喜歡過錯的人
今天先會自我解窘
無論初戀多麼的感動人
更好的愛　前面等

無法一起都總算愛過些人
借過你體溫　練習擁吻
明白要讓我這樣年輕過
至懂得誰最合襯

years had passed since that crazy love. glad that i haven't lost passion yet...

Last hr in barcelona

2011-11-20T20:35:00.001+08:00

At the airport here. Everything is great here. Visited many monuments in the past 3 days. This 5 day 3 nights journey is definitely enjoyable.

Had so much catching up with yudian. We talked so many things.

Anw, I really think I'm not a travel type of person. When I'm in Barcelona, I dun care so much abt all small historical places. I just wanna have good time with friend. So If I travel 8 must travel with the right person. Nv alone. Nv with not so close friends. Haha

Hope I can have a grand journey in dec. but I dun wanna get myself too engrossed in it. Who knows what will happen then. But I really wanna travel with my gang. Really really.

I wanna go to Italy and switzerland.

Barcelona

2011-11-20T06:53:00.001+08:00

Went out clubbing yesterday. Her friends are bad ass! They ordered Monica shot, which is putting a beer in a penis shaped plastic. The bar tender puts whipped cream on it, and the person supposed to lick it and suck it. It was quite vulgar, cos the bar tender really holds their heads and make them choke on it. And her friends really went for it. One of them is a straight guy some more... World is so crazy in a fun way!

After the bar, we went to one of the largest club. It was crazy fun! The music is so damn good! Although I walked for the whole day and was tired as shit, I still went for it! I dunno her friends well, but who cares abt that when u can just dance! I wish I brought
my clubbing cloth though. Wearing t shirt and jeans is just so pathetic!

While enjoying every moment of it, I still miss Paris. Miss everything and everyone in Paris. I hate myself whenever I feel low when I should feel high... Anw we went home at like 5am... Barcelona feels so much safer than Paris. And one of the Singapore guy is nice enough to walk us home. I guess I miss this, being treated like a lady, sent back home by guys. Sighs... Not that I need this, it's just nice to get recognized...

We turned in at 6. Then woke up at 11 to eat the fabulous seafood buffet. I ate so much seafood in these few days, feels like sea animal's public enemy :) I'm not a prawn eater, but they are just so fresh here.

Barcelona is so fun. Yudian is so nice. And it supposed to be a sort of cleansing journey, lol. It worked somehow, at least I hoped so.

Omg. Now I got so attached to Paris, I think no city is ever good enough for me. And friends wise, I think all her friends are more or less the same level of liberal as my friends in paris. And they really know how to party! More than my friends. I'm sure if I met them during my exchange, I would be very good friends with them as well. And the most impt, they are straight. I wouldn't have so much prob now.

But what happened has already happened. And I wouldn't want to change anything if I can start over, maybe I will eat less, but nothing else. Haha. life really works in a mysterious way. The high points in Paris must match with the low points. This is called complete. I hope all my lows are over and more highs to come!!! Oh I miss my friend. How did I get so attached? And why?

Broken Paris, hence Barcelona

2011-11-17T14:13:00.001+08:00

Actually I have been too demanding. I should be content with everything I have now.

反正也是过去的事了，人要向前看，毕竟这个是真实的生活，不是小说，不是电影。不是写下城市名字就会浪漫得无可救药有。反正各个地方，开不开心都是自己决定的吧。

真的要感谢朋友，jinlai和aolong。lend me an ear when I need them the most. Im all good now.

I'm gonna enjoy the hell out of barcelona. When I go back to paris, I'm gonna be brand new. Confident and fresh:)

Since there is no internet here. I shall continue with my blogging.

I still vaguely remembered the day I arrive paris. All alone. A guy picked me up at the airport and went straight to the hostel. And 3 months have passed. I can say I'm a little better with my French. But nothing else has changed. I have come here with big dreams of 打入皇室 (lol) but things didn't work out this way, obviously... Haha. Nah, I have dreamt about romance. The right guy just hasn't showed up yet. No big deal. But I have found friendship. Dear dear friendship;) now, with 2 more months to go. I just wanna enjoy everyday.

it's over

2011-11-15T07:23:00.001+08:00

人啊，真的在任何年纪，遭遇到爱情，都一样的措手不及，都一样的心慌意乱，患得患失。哎。如果有美好的结局或过程都是好的。我觉得现在我最需要的是如何随时理智，随时爱自己多过喜欢他。

其实这段crush放别人身上就是好感而以，为什么他会演变成这样，搞不好真的是因为他爱理不理的态度，我到底是有多贱？哈哈

算了，不过我真的需要大哭一场，然后这件事情就到此结束。

diet, paused...

2011-11-13T08:29:00.001+08:00

it's paused due to the female thing... got to stop for a few days before it kills me. but i kind of eating too much too. i ate nothing for the day. but ate a bowl of noodle and a tub of ice-cream at night. but since it's during my period, it doesn't count :)

i have got to make my blog more interesting from now on. stop with the whining.

fuck hormones...

2011-11-13T05:32:00.001+08:00

so today is my second day... bleeding like a river... so i was very uncomfortable for most of the day. didn't eat anything for the whole day and stayed in bed. suffering from waist pain, headache and back pain... so i kinda post a status on fb. and almost everyone in paris ignored me. so friends，还是老的好，突然想回去了

i never thought my disney experience would become like this. although i didn't expect to go with the love of my life like gorgor did, but at least i was hoping i could have loads of fun with my friends. but somehow it did not get to enjoy it 100%. for that whole day, i felt hurt. even i was enjoying all the game. there was a part of me that didn't get to enjoy it at all. i was sad and 委屈

nah, i've got to let this go... i have been talkin too much about this

11.11.11 so what?

2011-11-12T01:16:00.001+08:00

今天是光棍节，所以应该写点什么。

总觉得吧，现在在巴黎，好像和在世界的其他角落没有什么区别。反正也是躲在自己的小空间里，做乱七八糟的事情。

巴黎，始于哥哥时代的一张照片，或者一部电影，或者一个mv，完全不用怀疑我对他的迷恋，真的是就当风雨下潮涨。所以，大一的时候选修了法语。但一开始上课就完全失去任何兴趣。拖拖拉拉的学完然后忘完。再然后，听说 sciences po 在巴黎市中心，于是就报了，完全属于玩票性质，半年后，我就真的踏上了这片土地。没怎么过多的准备，外婆去了另一个世界，我来到了巴黎，不知道该想些什么。只是真的有天不怕地不怕的勇。或许包围在父母的爱下面，让我得到的就是一种命运在我身边的成就感。

下taxi的那一个瞬间是感动极了，黄色柔和的灯光，路边的café，虽然11点但大街都已经几乎没人，于是真的发现自己到巴黎了。在巴黎的头一个月，没什么好兴奋的，看到铁塔，就“哦”了一下，被学校的welcome program吓得一塌糊涂，被法国帅哥电的一塌糊涂，被法国美女秒的一塌糊涂，还有一些很小的不如意的损友小事。总之，是幸运的。

经常需要提醒自己在巴黎，这样才能回想出应该有的兴奋。第一次上莱茵河的时候，画面和纵横四海重叠。但周围都太真实，根本没时间做梦。

渐渐的结识了朋友，就好像刚才读的那篇文章一样，you met someone. 去了munich，回来depress了一个星期。因为我以为自己喜欢上了黎巴嫩，我也发现我根本不是我以为自己是的那种人。反正是 self-exploration side effect. 然后这个星期内有了人生的第一个闺密，flail about it for so long, it made me ecstatic. 其实我还是想回到那段时间的。

然后aolong加入了帮会，巴黎的最高潮来源于eiffle tower picnic。那一晚开心到无以复加，就好想自己找到了人生的归属。其次还有在xiongyi家的home party。如果后面的一切drama（我自己单方面的）没有发生就好了。

然后和xiongyi去了bordeaux，觉得有friend stand up for you 的感觉真好。

说真的，我完全忘记事情的转捩点在哪里。我喜欢上了一个人。反正当你想要得到更多时，有些东西就已经超出了你的掌控。

人会变得焦躁，人会变得贪婪，人会变得demanding，人会变得非常脆弱。这个就是我，在喜欢这段时间的这段时间里天天经历的emotion。得不到回报的感情是最伤人的感情。不能用depressed来形容，而是一种完全的down。

知道这段所谓的感情是不会有结果的，于是自己在一篇又一篇的blog里分析再分析，打给所有信任的朋友进行therapy session。其实平时我对自己的感情都能完全的handle，也不愿意和别人分享，但这次，或许是太失控，或许一切进展的太快，我整个人呈现出一种近乎疯狂的状态，在巴黎朋友面前非常bitchy，在新加坡朋友面前非常可怜，在自己面前非常委屈。原因只是因为我不想失去这个朋友。

看着一个人上线而开心，下线而失落，然后终于遇见又要克制to be nonchalant. 这就是暗恋的所谓卑屈。因为这个有不可伉俪的元素，反正以后这种卑屈的情感我是绝对不允许他的发生。

1. don't fall for the wrong guy
2. if you fall, make it happen.

反正一切内在外在的环境，加上客观主观的感情，事情现在已经完全under control了，或许还包括over compensation, 我怕自己已经有了抵触的情感。就这样吧，其他的一切顺其自然了。i hurt myself enough, he also kinda hurts me enough. i don't need anymore drama.

if i meet my guy in paris, then it's the best. if not, just let it be. i know the drama has only be 2 weeks max. but it took lot out of me. i'm a sad eater. all the grave has already been transformed onto my body. i need to be up up again. the rest, i will just let it go with the flow.

but i still don't understand, why do i feel so obligatory when i care so much about someone, but when they care abou me, i felt so 受宠若惊。

so no more over compensating or under compensating or infatuation or bitching. just follow the rules of the universe, and let it happen with flow...

今天是神棍节，but so what. if i can't be with a guy i meant to be, i would rather spend it alone...

这个是几米的quote，是我自己最需要记住的话

我反反复复犹犹豫豫小心翼翼斤斤计较，我怕伤人，也怕别人伤害自己。也许这样一辈子都不会得到幸福。可是我还是坚定的等待着，等待你的关心，等到关上了心。于是我告诉自己，要独立，要坚强，要勇敢，要活的漂亮，要让自己永远善良

yay!

2011-11-12T00:54:00.001+08:00

have been at home for the whole day... and found my inner peace with it. i just dun wanna go out. dun wanna entertain anyone...

food i ate today:
brunch: 1 small mutton sausage and 1 plate of lettuce salad
dinner: 1 beef liver and 1 plate of stir fried veggie

that's it for today.

i will become skinny and stunning...

No longer interested?

2011-11-11T08:47:00.001+08:00

The opposite of affection. Now I start to feel so much less enthusiastic abt every interaction. I still desire for them. But when in action, i find myself lost interest so fast

It made me rethink everything. I wanted to do something so bad with them for so long. And now when i finally stop thinking, they are planning it...

What has Paris done for me? Anw, keep my eyes on the prize. I've got to Jiayou lose weight

oh my disney!

2011-11-10T17:56:00.000+08:00

had a good night sleep, skipped 2 lessons. my defense mechanism finally kicked in, whenever i had a really traumatic experience and felt beyond depressed, i would really sleep like a baby. and when i wake up, everything is so much better.

anw, now i could describe something abt my real disneyland experience. it's no wonder gorgor's pic of paris disneyland is so shabby, cos it really is. things look old. despite of the sunny day yesterday, which was really very rare considering cloudy weather lately, the disneyland looks grey... i dun think my mood has anything to do with it. and luck was with us for the whole day. we didn't queue for more than 15min for any item. it was a pure bliss. most of the time, we just go in and it's our turn :)

we went for the twilight zone tower of terror first. omg! that totally scared the crap out of me!!! cos i know it's about something drop suddenly from somewhere. it's all about letting u experience how is it feels like to jump off the building... (it's kinda sad) so we walked into the room, the crazy disney girl frightened me again. anw, we were standing on the carpet, and the tv started showing something. and stupid aolong says the floor may suddenly drop and so 3 of us were holding each other like total idiots. cos nothing happened, nothing is scary. then we went to the main part, the elevator. omg. that was exciting. we sat in front. omg! i swear to whoever my heart must have float out of my body when the lift dropped suddenly. it was so fast!!! nothing like free fall, but like someone dragging u down. the lift dropped suddenly then rise, then dropped again for so damn long... my legs went jelly immediately. but it was so FUN!

then we went to RC racer, 海盗船. it did not look that scary. but there is a point that we stopped a position vertical to the ground. i can literally feel that im gonna drop out of the seat. and i was so nervous, i clenched my body so tight that my legs start to cram...

after that we went to ride some vanilla thing called slinky dog zigzag spin.

crush's coaster was so unexpectedly fun. we thought it was just sitting on turtle's back and spin. it turned out to be so so much more. and it was so dark and dreamy. everything is so thrilling.

basically we rode all the scary stuff. the rock and roll coaster was really nice~ there was music while they throw u up and down. and i finally get to relax. and enjoyed it without clenching my body. actually after the turtle ride, i felt nauseated again. kinda like in the morning. and after roller coaster, i really felt like puking. and with all the damn emotions i hid so well. i almost cry when they went for the 2nd round on the rollercoaster... then we went to the tower of terror again.

it's already 4ish when we go the park. it was finally disneyland magical. that makes me even sadder. it supposed to be a place with your lover. i wanna laugh like a baby. did i? i think things went well again after i finally get over my nausea. and it was my stomach's problem. we didnt play much in the park. cos it was already late and we were not really in the looking-for-excitement kind of mood.

we went to eat steamboat afterwards when we return to paris. we kinda talked things over abt the morning. sighs.

anw, we are good now. at least i hope so. and that's kind of disneyland experience i nv expected...

everything has its time

2011-11-10T08:51:00.003+08:00

finally changed my privacy setting, now i can talk whatever i want without worrying whatever drama.

disneyland today is... with mixed feelings. how can i start to describe it? my horoscope is right. today really is a day that i could no longer hold my passion, except not so much of passion, but the sadness i have been feeling for all these days. sadness that is comprised of disappointment, compromise, and hurt...

没有人比我知道这一个多星期来我的那些大大小小的drama，自己的感情想rollercoaster一样，整个人变一个患得患失的小女生，如果短信没回我会怎样，如果电话没接我会怎样，如果meeting没来我会怎样。i have not been like this since forever...

从上一次刻骨铭心之后我就答应过自己再也不会暗恋任何人，如果一旦喜欢上，就说什么也会和那个人讲。

但这次这个人，真的是不可能。有不可能抗拒的外界因素，是根本上的原则问题。when it is out of my control, i cannot do anything but to talk myself out of it.

i have called my close friends abt this. i talked, and they listened and asked me to drop it... i knew that is the only thing i can do. plus, i dun have any other friends here in paris, and he is just too good a friend to lose... moreover, it may just be a crush that would be over in a short while...

这些夹杂在一起的感情，一方面要控制自己不要对那个人太过分care，一方面要努力说服自己drop whatever i have for him, 一方面又要克服那人的疏远（其实也没有疏远，只是他不能回应我给他的所有attention）。这种加起来是什么感觉呢？站在原地都会失重的失落感，卑微感，渺小感。

因为他是太好的一个朋友了，不能失去他。不能让我们之间的感情变的awkward。。。

and i finally put my feelings back into the box. i take away all my out of boundary emotions away. it wasn't that hard. i just need to be rational and list out all the impossible reasons

就这样夹杂着所有感情准备去disneyland. so how good can it be? i have a whole bunch of emotion to deal with...plus, we actually kind of just had a little drama on sat, although i saw him in library on monday, it is still nothing... and i was mad at him on tues cos we promised to study in library tgt and then he disappeared for the whole day.

omg, now i think back, disneyland is really.....................

back to the story.

somehow i kinda suffer very bad nausea in the morning. i was down also due to the rollercoaster emotions for the wk. and he interpret it as bitchiness... when he confronted me, omg, i swear to god my tears could fly right out on the spot... 但是我好早前就丧失了在别人面前哭的本领。于是我就只有苦笑。我真的被吓到了。我承认有时候我真的很bitch。会有possessive monster出来的时候。但今天，我真的只是在做我应该做的。我要保持一点距离，要不然好不容易驻好的围墙又会崩塌. 即便现在回想起来，我都不觉得自己做错了任何事。只是比平时down。但谁都有down的权利吧。

即便现在想起来他当时说话的表情和语气，我的心啊，都会。。。哎。。。

接下来的一天，自己都会感觉到空气里面的一丝尴尬。感情这种事情真的难讲。刚才我也为这件事道歉了。就像我说的，i dun wanna lose such a good friend. but do i deserve this? whatever he did to me today fucking hurts... i throw myself at all those crazy machines to get adrenalin and endorphin. to ease away the pain i feel.

maybe i dun feel that much of hurt in the day. but definitely now when i think abt what happened. i genially care abt him. nothing less than just care abt him. even i have misunderstood my feelings. i may not have a crush on him. but whatever happens b/w us was damn too fast... i guess whatever heat we had, from the intense friendship, has cooled off.....

but i did have fun today. just not as much as i would expect. cos it's fucking disneyland. it's with my fucking best friend. and due to the stupid diet, i feel nauseated for the whole day. it's kind of hard to keep my spirit up. i dun want him to feel im bitching again...

其实可能听起来感觉很卑微，但今天真的也是好玩的。我们三个玩了很多东西。游记有空再写。我只希望大脑里有删除键，免得我每次想到那个场景就会觉得自己活的很可怜。

no one deserves that much of attention

2011-11-09T01:44:00.002+08:00

finally came back to my senses... no one deserves that much of attention if he can't reciprocate it. if the person doesn't treasure it. then let it be. be brave and love myself is more important than anything...

暗恋真的能让人卑微。这让我想起人生第一次暗恋的男人。

i know i promised myself that i will never have a secret crush on someone again in my life. but this time, there really isn't anything i can do abt it. plus, i finally realized that he doesn't deserve it...

diet day 1 and 2

2011-11-08T20:49:00.000+08:00

for the first day on sunday, i managed to eat really minimum food, i just chew on something or drink something when my blood sugar abt to run low. and it worked out great. a honey water in the morning is really relaxing.

and for yesterday. i was able to eat min food till night time
breakfast: black coffee + 1 egg
lunch: lettuce soup with doce au four
dinner: yoghurt.

it was all good till i get very hungry at night after lesson. so i ate 2 sausages and 1 piece of meat... and i drank something sweet! arh!!!

anw, today i dun care im about to faint or anything, i am NOT going to eat anything even if i wanna die after 8 today!!!!!!!!!!

breakfast: fromage blanc. 1 boiled egg, some veiggie, 1 sausage

a brand new day

2011-11-07T18:13:00.002+08:00

care less about others!
care more about myself!!!
i'm gonna achieve the one thing i promised myself!!!

for yesterday's challenge, i failed miserably. i still facebooked... the irrational me still wanna check out fb, of course, that's actually just for that one person. but i did my best trying to control my food desire.

i ate nothing but coffee, honey water, a little bit of cereal, nutella (to rescue my low blood sugar), and some beef balls. it's a good start. i will continue with stricter diet today.

marching straight into the 2nd week phase. i wanna lose 10kg for the month and i'm gonna do it.

i can feel im having the control back in my life on lots of things. of course, the most impt is my feeling and then my diet. if i rock these 2, i will be fabulous.

.

2011-11-07T07:48:00.003+08:00

some people are just dangerous. they play with ur heart. and fuck, i dun think i can play along... maybe i just fucking care too much... i seriously have to STOP

end of the long exile

2011-11-06T21:04:00.000+08:00

talking with jinlai has always been fruitful. it sort of clearing up my congested mind and set things straight. it was just like yesterday when she called me in the middle of the night, crying. seems like the only person who didn't grow for all these years is me.

anw, it is so true that i have left some part of me in that dead abyss and nv came back. it's time to pick it up and re-integrate it into my soul. i have got to get the self-control back. in every aspects of my life. gonna start slow. cos i have not used that muscle for many years, it's not gonna be easy.

so starting from a day to day basis. each day i will post a challenge to myself here. and at the end of the day, i will evaluate it. i have faith in me. and i also can't let my spirit down. i have let him down for so many years. it's about time

so the challenge to myself today is
1. no facebook until i finish the first draft
2. no solid food today

it's all good

2011-11-06T04:48:00.002+08:00

i hope things will turn out well, no scars no baggage, everything will be as normal as it used to be... i blamed myself for all those irrational bitchiness. but on the second thought, am i the only person at fault here? if people care abt u enough, you wouldn't have to push everything...

anw, the possessive little monster in me has finally unleashed after all these years, i dun even know i feel so strongly abt the person before my monster starts to show.

anw, it's time to grow into a bigger person here:) it's all good

.

2011-11-05T08:35:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wish i could just have a good cry and let it go... it's nothing to take control in this...

顺其自然

2011-11-04T03:52:00.000+08:00

今天，就像回到新加坡一样，在家里宅了一天。什么都没做，孤僻着。躲在自己的世界，混乱或着迷，只是单纯的不想被干预。

昨天做了一个决定，也不打算再这边寻寻觅觅的准备找个男人了，就这样吧，免得到时走的时候牵肠挂肚的，一切顺其自然。

今天看了部电影 The family man, 讲的是一个事业有成的华尔街男人, who was given a chance to live a life he didn't have a chance to live in, a family life. 就算这个电影的主旨是说人一定要有家庭，只有家庭才是最重要的，但看完之后，我还是想拥有成功。或许我就是那种人，就好像从小我picture将来的生活似乎都没有男人在场。如果这就是我的人生，那我干嘛那么执着的要找到那个所谓的人，或许根本不会有，所以一切顺其自然好了，反正大不了也就那么屁大点事。成功比较重要。回新加坡后，申请公民，定居，然后好好经营公司，我要打造全球最大的华文补习品牌。

如果像电影的主人公一样，他之所以最后选择爱情，是因为他已经体验过了奢侈荣华，所以爱情好像非常难能可贵。但如果一直拥有爱情，而且一直要为柴米油盐担心的话，那这种爱情迟早腐坏，工作能让你有斗志，爱情只会消磨意志。it's all nice, but just not enough

the void

2011-11-03T08:06:00.002+08:00

时常觉得应该认真的写些什么，例如最近爱做的事，最近爱讲的话，最近爱上的人。我是那么一个多情的人，就算没有和任何人在一起，心里总是住着那么一个人的。真实的也好，虚幻的也好，有些是我的信念，有些只是我一时兴起，被皮肉所吸引住的影子。有时候的感觉散去的比来的都快，有的时候却真的吸附在你的呼吸里。如果当一个浅浅的拥抱都让人晕眩，可能真的陷进去的就比想象中的深了。

先不说这些，今天终于去了montmartre，虽然事先没有任何准备，但到了那里后，进入圣心教堂，那种虔诚的感觉，还是让人有受洗礼一般。但毕竟十多年已经过去了，眼前见的和影片里面的已经有很大不同。只是当停下来，走在那段凹凸不平的街道时候，就能看到当年他穿着一身随性的西装走在这段路上。他曾经也坐在椅子上虔诚的祷告过。但今天坐在那里的时候，我什么都没有在想。或许我讲了一句，如果你听得到的话，让我事业有成，家人平安，再给我一个男人。

不知道为什么男人最近在我的生命中那么重要，已经到了近乎急躁的程度。并不是所谓的猴急，只是真的想要一个人hold住我。身边的男人是有，但的确不能给我什么。大家都有大家的生活，于是也不好奢求什么。是不是太nice，总爱在别人的生命中扮演配角的角色。最近没有发生什么大事，但总也觉得是时候发生什么事。又觉得应该好好把这两个月过好，把增加的肥肉减下来，把该做的paper做玩，然后珍惜和朋友hang out的最后时间，并且不要对任何一个人有过分的依赖。有些时候我是一手伤害自己的主谋。仔细想想，真的没必要，因为连我自己都没确定任何事。

一句话，还是因为过分寂寞。

the initial attraction is always strong, then what?

2011-11-02T05:46:00.000+08:00

im so down for these 2 days. like nothing could actually cheer me up. hanging out with my friends has been nothing but a total bliss for me. but now, i start to think about more serious stuff. somehow, i think im way to mucho for a girl. the way i think and process things is just like a tough dude. but does that mean i dun deserve what other girls deserve? i dunno why i have so much to complain about. i just feel sad. maybe partly because im having this huge fling about someone. and sometimes, every small interaction becomes unbearable. the dynamics had changed. i checked our past skype msgs, at least he was more ethu about chatting with me back then. i hate all these girly stuff im going thru right now. but i actually do feel the pain in my heart.

better kill all those unnecessary feelings right now. im expert at doing this. so it should be easy. more importantly, i dun wanna lose my best friend

good things happening all the time

2011-10-30T18:24:00.001+08:00

im really having a blast here! but really, the more fun i have, the more i feel worried about going back to sg. i love the freedom here. i can go out at whatever time i want, i can do whatever things i feel like doing. no one is there to judge anything. and also, i get to spend time with my amazing friends!

i may have dreamt and fantasized a lot about my love life in paris, but nothing about friendships. but surprisingly, i met the most incredible friends here. friends who genially care about u. and we CLICKED. we can talk and discuss about ANYTHING. there is no taboo in between us. we have only known each other for less than 1 month. but felt like we have been together for abt 10 years.

recent updates

i dun remember how i spent the past week. but it was sure hectic. i dun remember having a lot of sleep, but i sure do remember having a lot of fun.

monday i had french test so which means i didnt have enough sleep the day before. i woke up really early at 6 to go to school to study. but it turns out school only opens at 7.45, so i stayed in the chilly wind and sit on the side of street... but i didnt do well for my test, it was listening compre, and i really dun understand what they were talking abt. and then after lessons, i went back home to prepare for my midterm exam for the next day. it's macro finance and econs. i slept from 5 to 7, and stayed up all till 4am to study for it. of course, there were lots of facebooking going on. we decided to put up all our 吉祥物 on our little grp. and we had really great laugh.

then i went for the test the nx day. it turned out to be great! so there i was, sleeping on average abt 3 hrs per day. when i went back home, i was trying to sleep. but my roomie and her friend were really noisy. after they left, i went to xiongyi's place to help him dye his hair. and stayed for the night. i was frozen to death on that night, lol.

i stayed at his place for the whole day on wed. we ate korean food for dinner and went out with other friends to eat seafood for dinner. the seafood place is really great!!! it's so cheap! we spent around 17 euro per person, but we ate lobster, crab, lots of prawns, snail, oyster and many other weird stuff. but the food is kinda cold though. due to some unknown reasons, i became a total 醋坛子 at the dinner table. seriously, i bitched about it for so long... i still dun understand why i did that. hope i didnt freak my friends out. but anw, after dinner, we wanted to go take the boat on river saint, but turns out there were not enough tourists, they didnt sail the last cruise. so went to drink coffee near the eiffle tower. the small butter cake that goes with the coffee was so damn nice! and because the drama king says that his hair isn't blonde enough and he really wanted it to be blond, i went back to his place to help him dye hair again.

thurs plan was to go champagne with my thai friends, i bought the tickets, and woke up at 6 to return home to take shower before setting off. but the clever me messed up the train station thus missed the damn train... i was so upset with myself that i went to buy a sweater and some bodyshop stuff. since im in paris, i went out with aolong and xiongyi for haloween party shopping in the afternoon. since i only sleep like 4 hrs the night before, and havent have the time to catch up with my sleep for the whole week, i had some serious outbreaks... we each bought a mask, and the boys bought some angel wings. we wanted it to be really dramatic, xiongyi wanted to be naked with only the black wings :) which i think would be really damn hot. but turned out, the haloween party was such a low point. people were dressed quite normally, the only highlight of the night was seeing the super handsome BDE chairperson wore a complete see through lace dress in the party, despite of that, i still think he is a straight dude. the party supposed to end at 5am. but we were so bored of the stupid DJs and the serious lack of alcohol, we decided to go home at 3. we walked for almost 1.5hr to get to my place. we drank some wine after it. and everyone stays at my apartment for the night. my room was completely raped by them, with all the make ups and feathers from the wings. we had so much fun making miserable jokes about each other. everyone falls asleep with a huge smile on their face. xiongyi's snoring makes me wanna choke him to death though.

Fiona has to leave at 7 for her italy trip. we continued to sleep until 9 until yudian called me. she just arrived Paris with her korean friends. they were supposed to stay with me for 4 days. but since there are 2 men in the apartment still sleeping. i had to invite them for a cup of coffee before heading up. after merely 3 hrs of sleep from the night, i went to louvre with them. it's good to meet with old friends. but it's really different from the experience of having fabulous time with my friends here.

we went to versailles yesterday with aolong and xiongyi. it supposed to be a big group of people with aolong's chinese friends. but it turned out to be only 5 of us. they didnt hit off so well, i was trying to please the both side. but all of them are super nice people. im so blessed with all my friends. anw, the versailles was fun. the garden is fabulous. and we get to cycle!!! my leg almost fall off. and i have serious problems on my right knee. that's kinda scary.

anw, this is how my week went. i had nv had such a fulfilling wk!!! omg. i think maybe im too dependent on my friends. only after writting this, i realized how much time we spent with each other. and i still miss them when i dun see them for a few hours. omg! 我也太爱依赖人了吧

today

2011-10-25T02:05:00.001+08:00

oh shit. not eating carbo in school is hard. i should bring my own salad from nx wk onwards on monday. if not, i will sure give in to eat carbo

today, i ate carbo. not a lot. but still.
tmr i need to eat less meat and absolutely no carbo

breakfast : fromage blanc + red dates + black coffee
lunch: 1 chicken wrap
afternoon tea: some chicken + flan!!! (definitely need to kick this out of my diet!!!)
dinner: chicken, 1 piece of thigh and some chicken breast + coke zero

i also need more veggie tmr.